The Class of 2013 Bro-mmencement Address


Lacrosse Middies.  Kappa Sigs. Followers of O.A.R. on Spotify. 

Your time has come. I almost don’t want to be the one break this to you, but over the next few weeks, you are going to have to depart your current haven of Bro-ville. Yes, the fraternal fiefdom of mesh shorts, beer funnels strapped to the sides of houses, and refrigerators filled with pony kegs of Sparks will no longer be your home.

Why? You know why. You’re about to graduate college. And go into this thing the rest of us call real life. You are afraid. Full of questions. Questions like:

“Can I wear my Rainbows to work?

“But what if I pair them with a tie and khakis?

“Are you serious? No sandals at all?

Those are minor concerns. I know what the predominant worry on your mind is, and I can confidently tell you not to be afraid.

Yes. There is Bro after college

The real world really isn’t that much different. Think of work as class. Think of the weekend as the weekend. There. That’s about it.

In fact, I’m happy to inform you, you can now Bro even harder. Why? Because money. Instead of your parents sending you a check for $200 a month, you get ten times that. With a shitty job no less. Look what you can do now. Dinner at places that are designed to serve food. Beer that tastes delicious. Hotel rooms you don’t have to share with four other guys.

Basically, I’m here to tell you the real world is even better for a bro.

Weekday drinking is just as acceptable as it was in college. Sure, you can’t start at 2:30 p.m. But you only have to wait about 150 more minutes. You can do that. It’s like a Lord of the Rings. But when that time hits, guess what? You have an actual, legitimate excuse to booze. You just got off work. And after work cocktails are society’s most acceptable form of alcohol abuse. You know how people say you drink too much? Well guess what? Now You just had a hard day at the office and I’ll have a god damn drink if I damn well please.

Parties will be just as awesome. Sure, they won’t be as prevalent, but didn’t you stop going when you turned 21 anyway? I mean, yea, the occasionally theme ones, but let’s be real. You went to bars. They have so many bars in the real world. And not just ones packed to the brim pouring Bowman’s Gin. Sure, they have those, too, but there are also nice bars. Where you can sit down. Just wait until you try sitting at a bar on the weekend. You’ll never go back.

Alas, I do have to warn you that girls will be harder to come by. They all moved to New York City. (Also they are women now. Be sure to call them that. They’ll appreciate how much you appreciate them.) So now, you won’t be able to stumble into a bar half-cocked wearing sweatpants and expect to pull down a nine. No, you will have to go on dates. Lots of dates. But that’s okay. Like I said, you’ll have money. Plus, it’s like going to the gym. The more dates you go on, the better you’ll get.

So don’t be afraid bro. In the five years since I’ve left college, I’ve blacked out, been kicked out of a bar for stealing liquor bottles, attended parties with glow sticks and highlighters, had sex in coffee shop bathroom and drank shirtless on my front porch.

Hell, that was all in the past four months. So no, my bros. You have nothing to fear about graduating this year. For the real world can be as bro as you want to go.

As long as you have a job. You do have a job lined up, right?


You’re fucked.

Follow D.C. on Twitter @MtngGrlsOnMetro and read more of his work here

[Graduation photo via ShutterStock]