Getting Laid Via Tinder for Dummies
Since its release in early 2013, Hatch Labs Inc.’s Tinder app has taken the world of online dating by storm, creating an environment for college guys to creep, and for girls to receive more unwanted attention than Amanda Bynes (or does she secretly dig it?).
The app is fairly easy to use. As a user, you simply connect to the app via your Facebook profile, and then anonymously “like” (swipe right) or “pass” (swipe left) each person’s profile. If you and another person both happen to “like” each other, then the two of you are matched up and are able to chat within the app. There’s also a “matchmaker” section of the app in which you can match your friends up with people, but that whole aspect of Tinder seems a little too creepy, even for me. Unless of course you’re trying to think of a good way to prank someone, like your friend that hasn’t been laid since his freshman year of college because he spends all of his time in his room playing video games, fapping, and studying.
I happened to come across this app at a crucial point in my sophomore year of college, a time during which my game was suffering (it was that, or the fact that I had plowed through so many sorority girls, that all of PanHellenic knew I was up to no good). At first, I wasn’t quite sure how to approach girls on the app. I mean, let’s face it, with all that stranger danger stuff out there about online dating and chat rooms, the task of successfully bedding a girl through Tinder appears a bit daunting… At first. Since downloading Tinder, I’ve banged out a few girls I met through the app, received multiple
phone numbers (most of which I haven’t put in the effort to text yet), and
nearly perfected my pick up line game. Almost down to an art form.
So, without further adieu, here are my step-by-step instructions on how to get laid through Tinder (or at least get a girl to meet you).
**I am by no means a
professional at what I do, and I should note that for the majority of the times
I’ve gotten girls, I have no idea how I actually got them. In fact, what I’m
about to suggest probably won’t even work for you. I work in unconventional,
and miraculous ways. Shit just happens, you know?
Step One: Choose the
Let’s be real here, the majority of the hot girls you “like” on Tinder are either; A.) Never going to check the app for matches; B.) Too stuck up to talk to you if you chat them up; C.) Not trying to get the pipe but are “only there to meet and talk to new people” (that’s about believable as a guy saying he’s only going to a strip club to listen to the music); or D.) Not going to find your sense of humor amusing. There could be several other reasons
why you’ll never hear from most of the hot girls you “like” on Tinder, but those are the first four that came to mind. While I would certainly encourage, and advise you to “like” every hot girl you see, don’t be too proud to lower your standards a bit for some of the “6’s” and “7’s” on there. Those are the girls that don’t get as much attention out in the real world, and are thus more likely to respond positively to your pick up lines that are borderline sexual harassment. It’s also important to really inspect a girl’s Tinder profile. The
types of photos they choose to post, as well as their taglines can sometimes be
instant giveaways as to whether or not they’re down to hook up.
Step Two: Always,
Always, Always Come In With a Good Pickup Line
It took me nearly two months of using Tinder to finally find a girl that was willing to hang out in person, let alone give me her number. You want to know why? Because my introductions sucked. Do you know how many variations of “Hey, what’s up?” girls get on Tinder each day? Too many. That’s why you have to be original and creative with your pick up lines.
I have no problem giving credit where credit is due. In the beginning, I found most of my pick up lines from this guy. Whoever this guy is, he’s a genius and has clearly been doing this longer than I have. The reason why so many of those girls respond positively is because his introductions are great. Seriously, check that stuff out.
You get the point, though. Be creative with your introductions, and girls will at least think you’re funny.
Step Three: Be Witty
Enough to Keep the Convo Going In the Right Direction
This always has, and always will be the most difficult part
of any Tinder conversation. You’ve gotten her attention via corny pick up line. Now what?
It’s important to gauge what the girl is thinking early on, so you know whether to press forward or move on. If she laughs at your pick up line, go ahead and make a comment about how you’re glad she finds you hot and funny, or something like that. Try another cheesy pick up line. Anything to keep her interested while still getting your point across, your point being that you want to get it in. I mean, it’s only Tinder. Why not go all out? Who gives a shit? The worst that can happen is she doesn’t respond to you. Well, that or she’s an undercover cop looking for people to bust for sexual harassment. It doesn’t matter; you have to take your chances, just like when you raw dog a girl. Here’s a great example of a convo I just had with a girl named Eden:
And from there, I got her number. She definitely wants the
‘D. But see, I just went all out, and it worked. If you can do that, you can
reel in any girl with low self-esteem through Tinder.
Step Four: Make Sure
The last thing you want is to find out that you’ve been texting some 300-pound white guy with barbecue sauce stains all over his shirt and fungi growing under his armpits. Do some background research; find their Facebook, ask for their Snapchat, etc. Just to be sure, when you invite them over, it’s not a bad idea to give them the address of your least favorite
neighbor down the street. That way, if the girl ends up being a complete whack job, she doesn’t have your address. Worst case scenario, that neighbor that ratted you out to your parents for throwing empty beer cans into the back of the woods during high school won’t be around anymore. It’s a win-win.
Step Five: Lie
Last but not least, when the job is done, get out of there. If she came to your house, get her out as soon as possible. Don’t let her get cozy in your bed, wake her up and send her on her way. If you were at her house, get dressed to leave while she’s in the bathroom. Lie about what you have to do after. Tell her that you can’t take
the time off work. Do anything you can to prevent the post-hook up conversation from happening. The fact of the matter is, this girl was willing to meet up with a complete stranger that she met online, and sleep with him. If that doesn’t scream psycho, then I don’t know what does. These are the reinsert-a-used-condom-so-she-gets-pregnant-and-you-have-to-stay-with-her
crazies. As long as you can follow those steps, you’ll be golden.