The Four Integral Ingredients to the Glorious Post-Finals Nap

Your one-track mind cares for nothing except being done with this final final. The daydreams and lucid, sleep-deprived hallucinations have already begun for your post-exam course of action. Fantasies about Exam Week ending race through your mind and no detail is spared; quite unlike that time you ejaculated into that possibly-feminine, amorphous flesh mountain’s holes and/or folds in a dark bar bathroom and all details were, thankfully, spared from everyone except that now-traumatized bouncer.

With the four fundamental elements of your post-finals slumber arranged, you’re left to just sit, an unstudied textbook arbitrarily open in front of you while you hope that these uppers will wear off the second that you’re finished with the test.

#1: Bed or Pseudo-Bed: It doesn’t matter if it’s a California king with 900 thread-count sheets woven out of one-hundred chinchilla pelts or a pile of old wigs on a love-stained futon that reeks of McNuggets, as long as you’re comfortable, it’s perfect. Procure the necessary blankets and pillows as well; it doesn’t matter how luxurious a bed is if you’re covered in newspaper and resting your head on moist, discolored Delta Airlines pillow. Finally, ensure silence by attaching a sign to your door that reads something like “Do Not Disturb,” “Exterminator at Work,” or “Gag-Reflex-Inducing Fart Attack in Progress.”

#2: Food: No calories shall be counted during this shameless self-indulgence. Let your pleasure-seeking mouth tendencies guide you and order that giant meat tower, super cheese funnel, or pneumatic ranch-dressing pump from your favorite eatery. Order so much the deliveryman assumes you’re a family of four instead of one very excited, gluttonous individual. Embarrassment and indignity have no place here; you’re eating in bed alone at an uninhibited, hedonistic pace with no one judging you. Today is the day you find it in yourself to as with unabashed confidence, “No, not a single order, I meant can you deliver the entire buffet tray of General Tso’s chicken?”

#3: Masturbation Sesh: Now, I’m no stickler for rules, so if you have a ladyfriend or gentleman caller who’s down to come over briefly to let you j/o into their baby hole or bounce up and down on their meat wand, respectively, you can go for that. Be wary, though, another person might be fun for a quick pound party, but if they don’t leave they’re just going to be a body that takes up space and another mouth you’ll have to share your cheese funnel with. Without the other person you can be as narcissistic as you want; really make this easy on yourself and conduct erotic symphonies of quivering delight between your, your laptop, and glorious friction that are however short-lived and as frequent as you like.

#4: Netflix: Find something light, something dumb, something to watch, like, where the third lead is a talking dog with a catch phrase. You don’t want something convoluted or elaborate where you’re going to have to actually pay attention. Preferably, you’ll pick something that you’ll watch the first twenty minutes of before your food coma and post-jerk-off sleepies collide into the perfect slumber storm that has you drifting off into relived, delightful nirvana.

Sweet dreams, try not to overdose on unadulterated pleasure and try to wake up before Christmas.

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