Your Favorite Townie-Humpin’ Bar At The University Of Maryland Is Now On Sale For A Peasantly $4,000,000
If you’re a Terp like myself or have at least visited the University of Maryland, you know that there are 5 bars worth visiting in the east coast’s most “livable community”:
- Bentley’s, if you like poop buckets and the scent of fresh vomit wafting through the “dance floor” at any given time between the hours of 3 p.m. and 2 a.m.
- Cornerstone, if you’re a Geed and actually intend on remembering your night
- Terrapin’s Turf, College Park’s newest bar where people go to get trashed off of fishbowls for happy hour only to head over to Bentley’s after an hour to puke
- Looney’s, made mostly for adults since they actually give a shit how old you are and will take your fake I.D. that says you’re 25 even though you’re clearly 17 going on 12.
But there’s one bar that remains mostly a mystery to UMD kids until their senior bar crawl; a bar that you only go to if you’ve got a burning desire to contract a casual case of Hep C from all the mysteriously sticky surfaces (I’m not saying it’s semen and I’m not saying it’s spilled liquor, I’m saying I don’t know and THAT’S what scares me) or have a fetish where you actually go out of your way to interact with the CP Townies who will probably steal your wallet and then try to bum a gram of “anything, just give me something PLEASE” with your own money.
In the words of pissed-off Nicki Minaj: Town Hall what’s good?
Answer: apparently not much since the place is up for sale with a $4,000,000 price tag, approximately $3,999,999 more than the place is worth. Yeah sure it’s in a perfect spot for the 500th pizza joint in CP since it’s right across from The Varsity and The View (two overpriced apartment complexes made for the freshmen who were too stupid for fall admission and had to enroll in “Freshman Connection”…oh come on you know that’s what it is, don’t lie) – but in case the idea of owning Town Hall isn’t appealing enough to you, guess what:
IT COMES WITH THE BUNK-ASS AUTO…THING NEXT DOOR!!
That’s right, for a peasantly $4,000,000 you can own not just the least relevant bar in College Park, but a giant concrete structure that says “AUTO GLASS” on the front. I know there’s a car parked inside in those photos, but don’t let that fool you – I am 90% sure whatever realtor is in charge of this property stuck their car there to make it look better. This is what it looks like on a normal day:
Yep, basically death incarnate. Maybe it’s in business, maybe it’s a front for the CP Molly Dealer to discretely cook in because whatever the hell I was getting last year was at least partially meth, I don’t know – but it can all be yours!
Or you could, y’know…not spend money on a giant dumpster fire.