Mastering the Bar Scene: What a Chick’s Major Says About Her
The Finance Major
She is woman, hear her roar. A chick that is unafraid to take on spreadsheets, algorithms and the arrogant douchebags of your campus’s business school is likely not going to be the gal who’s willing to pour herself in a cab home with you after last call. This one is smart, and she’s likely at the bar blowing off some steam from her ridiculous workload rather than trying to land her dream date. Approach finance girls with caution, because once someone is used to thinking in terms of investments, they begin weighing the benefits and opportunity costs of just about everything- including you. Consider approaching a conversation with this chick similar to a job interview, and you should have your answers ready. She’s going to want to know your major, your typical workout routine, who you know, and what you can do for her. Don’t get us wrong though, numbers girls aren’t all bad news. On the off chance you’re looking to settle down with a smart, respectable girl that you can have an intellectual conversation with (does anyone even do that anymore?), this one is definitely worth pursuing. Other than that, get her number, save it as ‘Econ Tutor,’ and move on with your night.
The Art Major
You’re going to have to dig a little deeper with this one and ask some follow-up questions. First one; is she taking the graphic design route or the painting/sculpting/ceramic route? Because the first translates into “creative, independent and business-minded” while the latter translates into “bat shit crazy.” Make sure you get the backstory before you find yourself stoned, naked and covered in paint, working to provide her with adequate inspiration for a new “abstract” piece she’s working on. While graphic designers do tend to be the most subdued of the art major clan, we suggest hitting the highroad if you’re looking for a girl who will contribute any form of substantial income down the road. But hey, if you’re only looking for a good time, nothing better than an “open-minded” chick to keep you company- if only until the next morning.
The Education Major
While this major is kind of broad, we’re going to focus in on our favorite- the Elementary Ed. major. Odds are she’s student teaching, meaning many of her day’s highs and lows center around who was able to multiply with double digits and who didn’t raise their hand to use the bathroom. In other words, she’s not hard to impress. And although this may sound perfect based on your current skillset and intentions, allow us to fill you in on a little concept known as “teacher identity.” You see, while she may be able to separate her “personal identity” and “teacher identity” now, it’s only a matter of time before the two start to run together, and you find yourself getting an enthusiastic “Great job!” post sex or are forced into cutting construction paper into various, irrelevant shapes for hours on end. We’re sure this girl is great, but unless you had the hots for the woman who guided you through your second grade career, she might be better to admire from afar.
The Social Work Major
Ah, yes, the ones whose career goals center completely around helping society. Whether it’s the poor, the sick, the misguided or the addicted she’s looking to work with, the good news is it’s going to take a lot for you to upset or anger this girl. And while it may be socially unacceptable to use her kind and selfless nature to your advantage, we won’t tell if you don’t. However, we must warn you that hitting on her will more than likely involve sitting through the heart wrenching story of a the mother of six who is forced to live off food stamps after her husband became addicted to methamphetamines and she will more than likely cry at several points in the conversation. Aside from that, this is a genuinely nice gal who is sure to be generous in more way than one. We say go for it!
The Interdisciplinary Studies Major
Okay, look, a girl who can’t even decide on what major she wants probably has a few issues with indecisiveness in other areas of her life as well. It’s your job to decide whether or not you attempt to make use of this endearing yet exhausting quality. Manage to take her home with you and you will either be the guy she finally “lets loose” with (even though she’s not sure that sleeping with you was want she really wanted or if it was the best thing for her personal journey), or you will find yourself up until the wee hours trying to stay awake as she contemplates whether hooking up with you is really worth it for her and how far she is willing to go. Good luck!
The PreMed Major
Unless you happened to bring the review guide for the MKATS with you to the bar, she’s probably going to want nothing to do with you. This rare breed rarely makes it off campus, much less out for the night. And on the off chance you do find one that is single, remotely interested, and demonstrates basic social skills? Propose. Right there. Leach onto her and lock her in for life. Sure, she’s got some years of schooling ahead of her, but you’re looking at a solid female investment that promises a massive payout. Jackpot!
The Environmental Studies Major
The Enviros are always easy to spot. Try the girl drinking the house brewed, organic beer. Or perhaps the one who demands that the bartender reuse her cup when she asks for a second vodka cranberry. The upside of this chick? This one probably isn’t all that high maintenance, given her affinity for the outdoors and wildlife. The downside? Trash a Natty can in front of her or wear a belt made of actual leather and it could be game over. While we have heard little to no complaints about girls with a wild streak, know the signs of the environmentally obsessive and how to steer clear.
The Comm Major
Offff course she’s at the bar! For the third time this week. This girl is all about group projects, networking, and seeming interesting to those that she encounters. Odds are she will know two of the five people you came with, the bartender working and someone that used to play baseball with your brother. She’s no stranger to PR, and knows how to schmooze and be schmoozed. So buy her and her friends a round, sit back, and watch the perfectly structured, interaction-oriented conversation flow like water. Be careful though! This girl obviously doesn’t mind contributing. And we don’t mean the kind of contributing you’re into. We mean contributing things like what she’s thinking (at all times), personal revelations, where she thinks the relationship is going, what colors she thinks look best on you, her favorite wine flavors, her least favorite wine flavors…..you get the idea. Another one that may be better to see on a “short-term” basis.
The Fashion Merchandising Major
If you find yourself blinded by the excessive amount of shiny jewelry a girl is wearing or drunkenly confuse her for anyone in the Kardashian family, you may have just found yourself a FMM! Need more clues? Her stilettos compliment her lipstick shade, which brings out the undertones of the top that she’s paired with the perfect statement necklace. She will check about ten fashion blogs from her iPhone every fifteen minutes for updates and will most likely roll her eyes approximately five to ten times in the duration of your conversation. If you’ve managed to keep one of these girls from being “really over you” for longer than ten minutes, pat yourself on the back, and walk swiftly in the opposite direction. She is not fun, nor does she care whether you think she’s fun or not. She’s wanted to leave this super tacky bar since before she got there, and now that she is there, the only thing on her mind is the number of calories in a gin and tonic. Nice try, but not happening.
The Exercise Science Major
Perky, toned, and just bursting with energy, this girl is perfect! For the first fifteen minutes that is. This girl can and most likely will inform you of the science behind fast and slow twitch muscles, her latest mile time and the carbohydrate content of that beer you’re sipping during your first chat. This ferocious fittie may make you feel as if you’ve “won” for the night, but don’t be fooled. Similar to the Enviro major, her obsessive tendencies will eventually show through her smiley façade. It won’t be long before you two are going on totally fun gym dates together in which she will be sure to check in on you every 6-12 minutes to critique your lifting stance on to or to find out how many repetition sets you’re doing. In order to keep your lifting time sacred and avoid being woken up for 5:30 am jogs, it may be better to leave this gal behind.