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And here we have Ansel Elgort posting a “nude,” saying his OnlyFans account link is in his bio, only for us to find out that link leads us to a GoFundMe page for a food charity in Brooklyn. Oh Ansel, you sneaky boy! What a cock tease. Also, can’t dump on a guy for posting an obvious thirst trap couched within a charitable cause. But given that it’s a slow Tuesday, let’s break down that photo (which you can SEE HERE)
First, are pubes back? Bad news for a gingerbush like me, who has been bicking my fiery mane due to the relentless bullying I suffered in 5th grade when it started to sprout.
Second, are chains back? Good news for a white kid like me, who bought a chain to wear to my first concert ever, 50 Cent featuring G-Unit, at the Civic Center in Portland. Everyone said I couldn’t wear it because I glow in the dark but Ansel Elgort is wearing one and that’s good enough for me.
Third, Ansel has, at best, a medium penis. Sure, his fingers are slightly splayed, but we’re still talking about the distance between pinky and ring finger. If I’m posting this nude, I’m wearing a catcher’s mitt. Let their imagination run wild.
Oh, last but not least, body:
Pecs: A-
Shoulders: C-
Abs: B
Arms: C+
Can we book Ansel a superhero role please? Get him one of those live-at-home personal trainers? This is underwhelming.