This is where the world ends. There’s no denying that some wicked, next-level insanity is now coursing through the veins of the American order, and it could be a hard minute before life returns to normal. It’s got the entire nation in a shit-pants panic and on high alert. Why else would it be so difficult to find toilet paper? We can’t tell, however, whether this chaos is just white noise created by a shadow government, a ploy to mindfuck the flock into falling inline or a sure-as-shit sign that the second coming of some twisted, seven-toed alien, devil Goddess is about to show up on Earth and turn a blasphemous society into a puddle of ooze. All we know is that our otherwise shitty lives have all of sudden become even shittier, and booze, the only thing helping us feel better about this deterioration of humanity in these crazy times, is slowly being stripped away.
Some states have decided to close down all of their liquor stores indefinitely while they wait to see just how severe of a beating the population is going to take once that feisty Goddess launches into kill mode. It means some of us have been forced on the wagon and are now being carted off to some strange land where only the sober roam. It’s a weird place. But, like many of you, we are not at all content with being told we have to give up alcohol as some last-ditch effort by governmental controls to stop the nation from plunging into the great, rotten abyss. Uh-uh, that’s not happening, Jack! So, let’s talk about ways we can still get alcohol in the dark days ahead.
For those shaky-handed boozehounds living in a state that believes castrating the liquor supply is an appropriate solution to staving off a doomsday scenario, there are still some options available for procuring the sauce locally. Or at the very least, in the immortal words of Jim Morrison, until the whole shithouse goes up in flames. Grocers, pharmacies and even some convenience stores are still selling beer, wine and liquor with the same enthusiasm as they always did. So there is still some accessibility for citizens who feel the need to stock the liquor cabinet before the apocalypse sets in. Nevertheless, we have no clue what kind of herky-jerky this government of ours is going to pull next. Who knows, the suits could institute Martial Law at any time and confine us all to our homes. And unless you can brew your own stash, you’re going on the wagon.
Perhaps the best option for ensuring that our home booze supplies never go dry is to lean on alcohol subscription boxes. Ah, yes, if you’re not familiar with these things, some clever little bastards out there have come up with a concept of shipping a variety of alcoholic beverages to their subscribers every month for a modest fee. It means rather than having to venture out into the wild unknown in hopes of finding some fruit and sugar to whip up a batch of prison hooch, we can just wait patiently for the mailman to arrive. So far, the federal government has promised the USPS and FedEx will keep running no matter what kind of monstrous beast lays down on our nation and humps it into oblivion. So go ahead and take advantage of what’s left of our resources.
It doesn’t matter what kind of booze a person is into, there is an alcohol subscription service just champing at the bit to get them sloshed, hammered and ready for Hell on Earth. Here are a few of our favorites to get you started on this quest. Go ahead and check into them now, while you still have time to come up with a solid plan. Unfortunately, some states do not allow alcohol delivery. Some only permit shipments of beer and wine. Check your local laws to learn more about restrictions.
Original Craft Beer Club: The only thing that could make a mandatory month-long home confinement not drive a person to go on a lunatic rampage with a sharp ax is having plenty of beer in the fridge. For right around $40 per month, the Craft Beer Club sends its subscribers 12 brews from around the United States. Each shipment comes with three of four brand spanking new varieties. It’s an excellent way to keep a little beer in the house while the entire nation falls apart at the seams.
Beer of the Month Club: This is another option for the beer drinking bro forced to go on lockdown. Subscribers can take advantage of five tiers of membership, which provides them with a taste of beer from all around the world. Each box comes with a twelve pack of 12 ounce brews in a variety of styles. The most expensive is the Rare Beer Club, which is around $40, plus shipping and handling. It provides the subscriber with a selection of imports from microbrews like De Molen, Mikkeller, Lost Abbey, Jester King, Fantôme and The Bruery, according to the website. Tasting notes and other information are also included. Feel free to discard them and just drink.
Reserve Bar: For the lover of hard liquor, the Reserve Bar is one of the best options for getting crocked during the end of times. It offers a variety of monthly clubs – everything from a single malt scotch club to a moonshine club – and it ships the booze right to your door. Not only do these boxes come with a series of different flavors, but they are also packaged with drinking essentials like glass sets, leather coasters and recipe cards. It takes about two weeks to get the first shipment. Just enough time to batten down the hatches around the house and buy a smoking jacket.
Mash And Grape: American survivalists in desperate need of quality whiskey, bourbon, rum, gin and tequila are certainly going to appreciate this affordable club. For a membership fee of $44 to $80, subscribers can expect to see a new bottle at their doorstep every month. There’s more different kinds of booze available with this service than we’ve ever seen. So, drink up, you’re going to need it.
Winc: For the wino with cabin fever just trying to make it through another day of solitude without losing his shit, this subscription service is perhaps one of the best available. For around $80, members receive four different wines each month. New members can even save 55% on their first order. Now, admittedly, the selections are going to be blends that you’ve probably never heard of, but sips is sips, you know?
For those who live in states where the law prevents these godsends from being delivered, that prison hooch we mentioned earlier might be your only salvation. All we’re saying is you might want to go ahead and stock up on oranges, fruit cocktail and sugar. Because buddy, times is about to get hard.