Some people go through life without questions. From a young age, they’re at peace with their surroundings; they trust their parents, the government, and the medical community. When someone offers them a new thing to believe, they have plenty of room for it. “Huh, I didn’t realize that,” they say, every day. They listen to Tom Petty on their way to buying inorganic eggs. They buy fake plants but water them anyway. They share little facts about far-off countries: “in Australia, when you flush the toilet, it swirls the other way.” They play golf and scuff up the greens by dragging their heels in disbelief that the putt broke left instead of right. They get excited about the features on their microwave. They tell people it’s their half birthday today. Eventually, they die and the local newspaper writes a little eulogy for them about how they “made everyone appreciate the trees.”
These are the people who put shag carpeting on their toilet lids.
I woke up in a cold sweat this morning. For some reason, these toilet scalps haunted my dreams all night. It’s not as though I see them often. Most of my friends are well-adjusted people who know that a clean, white toilet is where the buck stops in bathroom decor. But you really don’t need an education or a social life to know that a CARPET does not belong on top of a toilet.
Shag carpets trap poo particles for thousands of years. You’re preserving the memory of a bowel movement with this perverted dreamcatcher. Let it go. Let it evaporate. You’re hoarding fumes (h/t History Hyenas). I’d say light a candle but you can’t because the rug is a fire hazard.
If the retention of dump steam wasn’t enough to curl your pubes, try this: these lids are impossible to raise for a piss. That layer of carpet causes the lid to bounce off the back and snap down again. Toilet seats require an obtuse angle to maintain their upright and locked position. The carpet has the reverse effect of a ball gag, in that it forces the mouth closed. It’s not just disgusting; it’s impractical, too.
I went to twitter to see if there were any compelling reasons to implement the shit sponge. Here’s what the people said:
My old buddy Large uses it as a judgement-free speakeasy. Drew Loudon sees it as a halfway-house to shaving his legs. And the Cyrillic Alphabet simply cannot buy enough cats to satisfy the fur quota she needs to see. Sorry friends, I award you no points.
Burn them all. —Aerys II Targaryen