When you’re growing up, social capital is the greatest currency you can have in your possession and there’s no better way to increase your net worth than by having a dope birthday party.
When I was a kid, there were a few prime spots that virtually guaranteed you were going to be the subject of jealousy among your classmates, including the local roller rink and a laser tag arena located on a military base, which was probably the only party I’ve been to with armed guards monitoring the entrance.
However, there was no better way to move your way up the elementary school hierarchy than having a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese, a magical land where all you needed was $20 in tokens and a little bit of luck in order to walk away with a dinosaur keychain at the end of the day.
I haven’t been to Chuck E. Cheese in a while thanks in no small part to the restaurant’s outrageous entrance fee—I’m not going to have a kid just so I can whack the shit out of some plastic moles. However, based on a conspiracy theory I was just made aware of, I’m not sure if I’d be stopping by one even if birth control failed me.
Earlier this week, a YouTube Person named Shane Dawson posted a video in which he decided to look into a number of urban legends—including one that says Chuck E. Cheese resells uneaten slices of pizza to its guests (it’s a long video but the theory in question is examined over the first 30 minutes or so).
The crux of the conspiracy theory revolves around the fact that the restaurant serves suspiciously irregular pies that are seemingly constructed from different pizzas.
People claim the irregular pizzas are a result of employees taken uneaten slices back into the kitchen and reissuing them to unsuspecting patrons—a claim the chain denied in a statement after the video went viral:
“The claims made in this video about Chuck E. Cheese’s and our pizza are unequivocally false. No conspiracies here—our pizzas are made to order and we prepare our dough fresh in restaurant, which means that they’re not always perfectly uniform in shape, but always delicious.”
Whatever you say, Chuck. Whatever you say.