In what sounds like an old episode of Fear Factor, people are consuming cow urine and taking cow poop baths because they genuinely believe that these bovine bodily fluids will prevent the coronavirus. Turns out that they should have done a 38-second Wikipedia search to quickly discover that there is no vaccine or cure for COVID-19. That has to leave a bad taste in their mouths.
We take you to India, where hundreds of Hindu activists gathered for a “gaumutra party.” Unfortunately for those attending the event, “gaumutra” is not the Hindi word for hard seltzer. It actually means “cow urine party.” Meaning, they gather around to drink cow urine. And you thought the cheap beer at your frat was skunky.
According to TheHindu.com, the chief of the Akhil Bharat Hindu Mahasabha (All India Hindu Union) Chakrapani Maharaj hosted a cow urine rager in New Dehli.
“This is a vintage Sahiwal, I can tell by the melony bouquet and the nutty body,” this guy probably.
The people at the party swigged down holy cow urine because they believe that the liquid has medicinal properties and will prevent them from getting the coronavirus (Despite there being any scientific evidence to back this up).
“We have been drinking cow urine for 21 years, we also take a bath in cow dung. We have never felt the need to consume English medicine,” said cow urine party-goer Om Prakash, according to the DW.
“They (leaders) are ashamed of the gift gods have given us,” said Swami Chakrapani, the president of the Akhil Bharat Hindu Mahasabha. “Cow urine is pure elixir. Every person should drink it.”
Johns Hopkins Professor Steve Hanke said: “My colleagues at Johns Hopkins have informed me that cow urine does not ward off the coronavirus. If anything, it is a recipe for even more ailments.” That’s a tough one to swallow to everyone who spent the weekend drinking cow piss.
But why pay for the cow piss when you can have the entire cow dung? There are also Hindu people in India who subscribe to the belief that bathing in cow feces prevents the coronavirus. Of all the shitty coronavirus remedies, this is the shittiest. This coronavirus misinformation is not backed by any scientist. Possibly some manure salespeople, but no scientists.
You’ll probably not want to wear your white Billabong board shorts to the cow poop pool party.
“Come on in, the cow shit’s fine,” that guy probably.
That’s really the opposite of washing your hands with soap and water. While that won’t cure coronavirus, I bet it does wonders to revitalize your complexion.
So many questions! Who decided that only cow shit was the effective preventative dung against coronavirus? Did someone bathe in pig shit and the contracted COVID-19 three days later? Why not bat shit? Since bats are one of the suspected animals believed to have originally transfer SARS-CoV-2 from animals to humans, one could surmise that their feces might have vaccine-like properties. Bat turds absolutely won’t prevent the coronavirus, but it makes more sense than swimming in liquid cow pies.
Reminder to everyone out there, whenever you participate in something that is downright stomach-churning, you should first turn it into some kind of “internet challenge.” Call it the “Coronavirus Challenge,” take some videos you guzzling down cow piss and diving head-first into a tub of cakey cow dung, add some hashtags like #CoronavirusChallenge, and then upload the videos to your TikTok. Sit back and relax in your poop bath and watch the views roll in.
I mean, if you’re going to be completely wrong about your fake coronavirus remedies, be wrong with a fake cure that isn’t cow excrement. Follow the lead of other intrepid individuals who made up their own bullshit COVID-19 remedies that are actually fun like copious amounts of alcohol, hot toddies, and cocaine.