Guy Gets Caught Faking His Death When He Misspells ‘Regsitry’ On The Certificate

Ah, too bad. There’s no autocorrect for a death certificate. Gotta get someone to spell check for you, but that’s tough because, you know, you’re dead.

NY Times– The name of the deceased was typed in an unusual font on the death certificate. Other details, like the manner of death, appeared to be printed in much smaller type than normal. And then there was the biggest red flag that the document was fake: The name of the department that would have issued it was misspelled.

Those errors led prosecutors to charge a Long Island man, who was facing sentencing on two felony charges, with forging a death certificate to avoid prison time. Prosecutors said it took a simple Google search and a matter of days to confirm the document was a sham.

Around the time officials were sorting out those details, in November, Mr. Berger was having a hard time staying dead: He was arrested in suburban Pennsylvania on charges including providing a false identity to law enforcement.

The article says that people don’t try to fake their death to avoid prison time often. Usually, it’s to “get out of affairs,” among other reasons. Can you believe that? Breakups are so brutal that a guy is more likely to fake his death to avoid a BREAKUP than to avoid PRISON. Granted, affairs are a totally different kettle of fish. Maybe it’s not the breakup so much as it is the hope that by “dying,” your secret girlfriend won’t tell your wife? Ugh. Thank God for monogamy.

I think about faking my death a lot. Only because it’s by far the best way to get a sense of how people feel about you. Much more honest than asking them. Which MEN in my life would cry? Which of my hard-ass, lean protein, options-trading manly man friends would break? Would they cry gracefully, or would it sound like a suffocating, high-pitched howl? I’d like to hear a few of them totally lose control. I don’t want gentle eye dabs with pocket squares or a quiet chorus of sniffles. I need people to get up and leave because their agony is ruining the service for others. I need people to be flat-out RUDE with their grief.

Which brings us to our next point: in observing your own funeral, you need a good vantage point that doesn’t betray you but still provides a clear view of the worshippers guests. What’s your disguise? Can’t be the random dude in a trench coat with a fake mustache. Is that the one time where it’s acceptable to go blackface? No, no, it’s never acceptable, even if you’re “dead.” But you really can’t let anyone discover you. The stakes are extremely high. People do NOT like weeping uncontrollably, only to find out that it was all just a field trip for your ego. Best to stay in the shadows, drink in those tears, and then head for Ecuador on a steam ship. I peel off a lot of fruit stickers from there, and I love fruit.

 

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