I’m addicted to energy drinks. I’ve had one every day this week. I’m like an addict.
Thankfully, they’re the sugar-free kind because when I’m chugging chemicals, it’s the sugar I’m most worried about.
I don’t know if they’re helping. The first can, on Monday, felt like being shot out of a cannon. It’s Friday, and I just finished a can, and my body reacted as though I just ingested a cup of warm cider.
This is all my fault. I bought the four-pack to save money, but that means there’s a can in my fridge instead of making my lazy ass run to the store to get a fix.
The fifth can came from last week’s pack.
Now that I think about it, I’ve been addicted for much longer than just the week.
I’m sure this can will in right before bed.
Here are the funniest tweets and memes from dads this week.
My mom lives alone and likes to text me and my sister some things she's about to do in case she dies. 😂 💀 pic.twitter.com/7GEDzsHE5I
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 29, 2021
I taught my 4yo to play rock, paper scissors, and he taught me that he’s a goddamn cheater who will do anything to win.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 28, 2021
son: why can’t I have a birthday party
me: I mean we could have one [ruffles his hair] but it might kill grandma
— tom (@pilau) January 29, 2021
Marriage is finding the one person you dislike slightly less than anyone else and deciding to pay bills together
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) January 27, 2021
Welcome to parenthood. Buy cheap furniture.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 28, 2021
My wife wants to try making sushi for us tonight so I guess this is goodbye
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 29, 2021
Painting with my 4-year-old and she told me I had to paint one of her 3 favorite things which are unicorns, rainbows, and suitcases
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) January 28, 2021
About a month ago, I heard my 65-year-old neighbor having sex and the sounds still haunt me
— Chris Illuminati (@chrisilluminati) January 23, 2021
10: “I hate school! Why do I even have to go!”
Me: “Look, if you do well in school, you can get into a good college. If you get into a good college, you can get a good job. And if you get a good job, you can retire early. And then, you can relax.”
10: “Or… I can relax now.”
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) January 28, 2021
I've convinced my kids that they can hypnotize me to fall asleep when I'm chasing them and it's their new favorite game. I'll literally lay down for a 10-minute nap in the hallway and they won't bug me because it "breaks their spell." It's my greatest win as a parent thus far.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 27, 2021
11 year old asked if chocolate goes mouldy if you leave it
Has anyone in the history of the world left chocolate long enough to find out?
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) January 28, 2021
Did anyone else grow up thinking it was ok to eat a “test grape” at the grocery store?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 29, 2021
[checking math homework]
Me: You didn't answer all the questions.
6-year-old: I tried my best.
Me: This is not your best.
6: I tried my medium.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 29, 2021
Kids: Do you know what’s for dinner?
And then I walked away. Today’s lesson is about asking the right questions and how words matter.
— Shannon Carpenter (@HossmanAtHome) January 29, 2021