Forget Gun Girl, Give Me All Ten Feet Of Her ENORMOUS Bodyguard

Ken State Gun Girl Kaitlin Bennett

Getty Image / Shay Horse/NurPhoto

Gun Girl aka Poop Girl aka Kaitlin Bennett made the rounds at Ohio State Monday, to a lukewarm reception. I’m not here to take sides, but, gun to my head, I’d say she pooped her pants. And the fact that she hasn’t leaned in to it blows my mind. Everyone knows if you’re the party pooper, you gotta own it: make merch, start poop your pants chants, wear a diaper, make it fun. What’s even crazier is that these Ohio State kids are throwing coffee and water at her when we already know her kryptonite—just ask her if she shit herself! That’s her kill switch!! Don’t waste perfectly good coffee, which can be used to loosen up a stubborn bowel, when you can shut her down with a simple question.

I feel like maybe I took a side there. Sorry. Pooping shouldn’t be partisan but the internet is crazy these days.

The real reason we’re here is to enjoy Kaitlin’s bodyguard, Sasquatch McBunyan.

Wellllll good for Happy GilmooOOOOOHHH MY GOD! We’re gonna need a bigger boat.

First time I saw that frame I gasped. I thought he was a student. Just some Ohio State sophomore, part of the parade, mildly interested but no real dog in the fight. Total sweetheart, pretty quiet, with a name like Derek or Jamie. Gets his height from his mom’s side actually. Sister is tall too. Only flies JetBlue.

Then I read that Kaitlin brought a bodyguard with her and things clicked. I mean the dude was human-shielding her all day. At one point, he just carried her like she was in a front-facing baby bjorn. Look at his paws!!!!

Preposterous. Absolutely preposterous. That is a joke. Look how wide his pointer finger is. Can you imagine if he tried to pick your nose? He’d kill you.

Anyway, I have a thing for bodyguards. They’re the ultimate flex for famous people. They tell the world I’m so famous that I need protection to get to my car. Most celebs go the flashy route and pick the biggest, baddest looking dude (à la Kaitlin Bennett). But if you want the real deal, you hire some former member of Mossad. Some dude who wears the squiggly ear piece and a black tie and doesn’t speak unless you ask him a question. That’s the real deal.

I hired a bodyguard for a day once, just for fun. It’s amazing how confident you feel walking down the street. It’s like being a woman with a huge boyfriend. You can say whatever you want and nobody will fuck with you. Very empowering.

If anyone has an email for the big fella, I’d love to get in touch with him. And now I’m picturing him typing. Bet he has to use a stick because his fingers are too big to hit single keys. Haha wow. I’m in love.