“Hi Bobby! The gang is out back in the pool. Wait wait, you can’t come in juuuust yet—Doctor Gordon here is going to take some blood out of your thumb to make sure you don’t kill the other children by sneezing. Don’t worry, we’ll give you a glow-in-the-dark bandaid! Ok?!!”
Fun times out in the Hamps, baby. What a year they’ve had. Rich people, man. COVID just hits different. And now, the wealthy have somehow made rapid testing a privilege unto themselves:
While most of the country waits seven to 14 days for coronavirus test results, a privileged few have access to rapid tests. There are a few types — some detect antibodies, others antigens or viral genetic material — but they all provide an answer in under 30 minutes.
Hosts are hiring doctors to screen guests before they attend their gatherings, or children coming in from out of town for sleepovers. Other people are getting tests to provide peace of mind after a particularly wild night. Event companies are offering rapid testing as a service to clients alongside catering and music. Instagram influencers are even touting the service.
I got tested at a “rapid care” center in July. Took them 12 days to get me my test results. This isn’t a new song; testing results have been delayed for EVERYBODY. Little did I know that I could get my results in 30 minutes if I had just attended a party in Southampton.
Or work for the Surf Lodge!
One of the easier places to get a rapid coronavirus test is the Surf Lodge, a hotel and restaurant in Montauk, N.Y., known for hosting and entertaining celebrities including John Legend and Bon Jovi.
Jayma Cardoso, one of the hotel’s owners, pays Dr. Seth Gordon, her son’s pediatrician, to test all of her employees weekly. “He has his own Sofia 2 machine by Quidel so he can do the test” — an antigen test — “and get the results very quickly, in 15 minutes,” she said.
Ever been to the Surf Lodge? Didn’t think so. Saturdays around the 4th of July when they get St. Lucia to come perform? Fantastic. What a day. What a view. Unless you’re watching a parade of the Aryan Nations Sadistic Souls Motorcycle Club, you won’t find a better place to watch horrible people. Some of the worst people I’ve ever met in my life. Not a good person in sight. Soulless, thoughtless, self-congratulating sheep, brandishing the jewelry they bought out of a camper van, geotagging sunset pics and avoiding smiles under hats they wore to Coachella.
But hey, good to know the staff is living clean!
Reports on social media have also surfaced of colored bracelets or leis to moderate contact at weddings, like the spotlight parties from college where you wore green if you were single, red if you were taken, and yellow if you weren’t sure. Now the idea is green if you are OK with hugs and high fives, yellow if you are fine with talking but not touching, and red if you are totally keeping your distance from everybody.
I actually don’t mind this at all. In fact, big fan. I can’t stand when someone comes at me expecting an open-handed handshake these days. What are you, a Viking? Get outta my face you lunatic. Elbow bumps at MOST, but I’d prefer to stand around and introduce ourselves awkwardly from a distance. Yellow all day baby (if you’re wearing red, why the hell are you at a party?)