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Marriage is, at best, a crap shoot in life where a man could end up living a miserable existence — one where his significant other constantly berates him through her nag, nag, nagging, jealousy, and possible infidelity.
On the other hand, he could live many happy years chalked full of all the loving, touching mediocrity he can handle.
Come on fellas, let’s face it, entering into that so-called sacred union of holy matrimony, for some poor bastards, means giving up on those starry-eyed dreams and ambition that were conjured up long before Poontang the Destroyer came along and wrecked them.
That’s why so many married men find themselves on the verge of sucking on a tailpipe within the first five years.
But there are some dudes out there, albeit a small percentage, that end up in committed marriages that could best be described as the kind of fairy tale, puke-inducing bond that is often portrayed in the movies.
You might be surprised to learn that the happiness of these men does not have anything to do with them keeping an open line of communication with their wives, showing mutual respect or any of that other horse shit that relationship experts have attributed to successful marriages throughout the years.
Nope.
It turns out the real key to marital bliss, at least as far as men are concerned, is simply shacking up with the hottest babe in the bunch. It seems that men who marry attractive women – and we’re talking about smoking hot specimens of T&A – are more likely to have longer, happier marriages than those poor schlubs that put a ring on the finger of one that’s been beaten with the ugly stick.
This is the consensus of a new study from the University of Florida.
We know, sometimes science is so obvious.
Researchers have identified a type of person they call “Maximizers.” People in this group (both men and women) have a tendency to approach every situation in life expecting the absolute best result.
These are the men who refuse to settle for just any old female. They would never be happy with the kind of girl who has a GED, a smoker’s cough and a beer belly that jiggles when she snarls.
Hell no, not when it comes to nailing down a lifelong partner, they wouldn’t.
Sure, these guys will inevitably bone their fair share of these types in their drunken, college years, but it is that quality tail that they seek when looking for a woman to start a family with.
“Specifically, maximizing men who had attractive (vs. unattractive) wives were more satisfied at the start of their marriages,” lead author Juliana French told Ask Men.
Hey, you can’t blame us for wanting wives that make our peckers flutter for years after the honeymoon is over.
But wait, don’t be so quick to report us to the MeToo Movement. This is not just some locker room ribbing of old school masculinity.
You see, women are part of this discriminatory hunt for a mate, as well. But rather than focus on appearances, the female persuasion is more interested in marrying a man that has made a name for himself.
According to the study, status is really the only attribute that gets a woman’s juices flowing after many years of marriage.
It’s the reason it is common to see beautiful women hanging on the arms of the fat and bald.
Maximizing women, as they are referred to in this study, don’t give a shit if their partner is considered repulsive by societal standards, not as long as he has some money and is highly-respected in his chosen profession.
“Likewise, maximizing women who had high (vs. low) status husbands experienced less steep declines in satisfaction over time,” French added.
There is also the lowly classification that researchers have deemed the “Satisfiers.” These are the gun-jumpers of the relationship tribe, the boys and girls who are not exactly picky when it comes to their choices in life, including who they marry.
Men who are a part of this group are likely to get mixed up with girls that have conceivably been put on this planet to make their lives a living hell.
These clowns will say “I do” to anything – even those GED, beer-bellied Huns — as long as they are getting their balls humped off regularly. But this is really just about them being convinced that nothing better will come along.
So, rather than be alone, they marry a humpback honey and call it a day.
However, relationship experts say this settling for a lesser caliber of person is a pathway to extreme misery and divorce.
“People who were afraid of being single, or those who agreed with statements like, ‘I feel it is close to being too late for me to find the love of my life,’ and, ‘As I get older, it will be harder and harder to find someone’ were more likely to prioritize being in a relationship over the quality of that relationship or a potential partner,” Dr. Juliana Breines wrote in a piece for Psychology Today.
“Such individuals were more likely to express interest in dating someone whose online profile included callous statements like, ‘I love what I do, so I need someone who respects that and is willing to take the back seat when necessary,’” she said.
So while finding quality wife-material out there can be challenging, the results of this study suggest it is best for men (and women) to hold out for a higher class of partner. It’s better to go thirsty than to drink polluted water, you know?
So, stop spending so much time sculpting your muscles and do something, anything with your talents, if you have any, that shows women that you are not just the average joe.
Success is the most attractive quality a man can possess when it comes to getting beautiful women to pay attention to him. Sitting at home in your parent’s basement playing video games and smoking weed all day, not so much.
It’s a matter of priorities, we suppose.
[via Ask Men]
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Mike Adams is a freelance writer for High Times, Cannabis Now, and Forbes. You can follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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