Snoring – it’s the one raucous act that we, as men, commit in our deepest of sleep that turns our significant others against us, and makes them want to snuff us out with extreme prejudice.
And if you clicked the link to this article, there is a damn good chance that you or someone you share a bed with has a tendency for this behavior – like they saw logs like a fucking Longview Lumberjack while the other, less ghoulish specimens of humankind in residence are left to endure sleepless nights.
It’s a curse that has doomed the existence of many relationships over the years, yet it is one that is often misunderstood and even indicative of dwindling health. But in many cases, snoring can be silenced with just some minor lifestyle adjustments.
Sure, women, too, have been known to snore, but the fairer sex doesn’t have anything on the nighttime howls of men. We make up the bulk of the 40 percent of Americans that raise hell even while they are unconscious.
But contrary to popular belief, the sounds reverberating from our ugly mugs after we hit the sack are not just happening because we are dog-ass tired and have fallen into a deep sleep.
In fact, that is not the case at all. It is actually more likely a sign that something is going on with our bodies that could bring on some unwanted health troubles in the future.
“Snoring really does not demonstrate anything good,” Erich Voigt, an ear, nose, and throat doctor and sleep specialist at New York University Langone Health, told NPR. “You can have a beautifully deep sleep in a silent sleep.”
Most of the time, snoring is harmless. Well, that is as long as the old lady isn’t getting fed up with the slob cacophony lying next to her and is prepared to unleash the wrath of Satan to silence it forever.
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All in all, it is just one of those annoying disturbances that can happen after a man passes out after a long night of drinking. It can also be a result of crashing out fat due to a lifelong lust for cheeseburgers, pizza and anything with buffalo sauce.
Both alcohol consumption and obesity are the two primary culprits in creating the perfect storm for a night of snarling and wheezing.
There are those cases, however, when snoring is a sign of a more serious issue – one that could put the old ticker at risk of going on the fritz.
Voight suggests that snorers who exhibit a light, rhythmic pattern while they sleep are probably only at risk of getting rabbit punched by their partners at some point in the night. But it is when the snoring becomes loud and erratic that there is a more significant concern. This could be a sign of obstructive sleep apnea, which can increase the chances of developing heart disease.
If your old lady tells you that your snoring increases in volume over time and that it sometimes seems like you have stopped breathing altogether, that’s a pretty reliable indicator that you’re dealing with an issue that should be checked out by a physician.
“Other factors that contribute to snoring may be outside our control,” explained Voight. “There are physical obstructions, such as a large uvula or a deviated septum. In addition, allergies and upper respiratory infections can cause the tissues in the roof of the mouth to become floppy, swollen, or stretched out.”
It is important to note that obstructive sleep apnea can be life-threatening, but it is also treatable. There are a variety of over-the-counter products available that can improve the situation.
Nasal strips, nasal dilators, and even custom mouthguards designed to open the airway are reasonably priced methods for chipping away at the problem.
However, if none of these methods do the trick, your situation may require more advanced options that only your family physician can provide.
So, the next time your old lady covers your face with a pillow and screams, “If you don’t stop snoring, you fat, drunk bastard, I’ll stop it for you,” let her know that the foul vibrations erupting from your face can be dealt with in other ways that will not get her put away for murder.
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