It seems that every day now, a new list comes out on how to avoid the Coronavirus. A lot of these list-makers are preying on the hysteria from the virus. The listers want clicks, ad revenue, and notoriety. They want their list to be the one that saves the populace. I’ve had just about enough of this bullshit. I’m tired of narcissistic “physicians” and “members of the CDC” proffering their high-minded idealism to people like us. We can beat this disease, folks, but we have to keep our heads on straight. Here, therefore, is a list of practical, down-to-earth methods for avoiding the Coronavirus.
1. Wash your hands with soap, water, and Coronavirus
Ever see the Princess Bride? The most surefire way to beat a virus is by building an immunity to it. The best way to do this is by ingesting extremely small amounts of the disease that your body can ward off naturally. It can take a long time and you have to be very careful: eat too much of the virus and you’ll contract the virus; too little and your body won’t even care. “What? That? Pfft. I can’t even see it.” – your body. Take tiny amounts over the course of fifteen-twenty years. By the end, you’ll find yourself protected by a coat of armor sealed in a poultice of white blood cells and grit.
2. Stop touching your face, his face, or her face
Let’s keep our hands to ourselves, or at least below the waist. Traditional foreplay is fine as long as you follow step 1. But for now, we can’t be picking each other’s noses or licking pastry cream off each other’s fingers. Don’t get me wrong—that feeling of having a pastry cream-covered finger in your mouth is extraordinary. Get under the nail with your teeth, nibble on the knuckles, turn that finger into crudité… we all want that. But for the continuity of the human race, we all have to make sacrifices.
3. Avoid sick people
This seems like a no-brainer, but for some reason you have to beat people over the head with sense these days. If your friend has a cold, don’t visit him. If your grandmother has old woman disease, don’t visit her. Make phone calls, write a card, send one of those weird three-flavored buckets of popcorn, but keep your distance. These people are going to die. There’s no reason you need to die with them.
4. Don’t go on cruises, don’t go to waterparks, and stick to wealthier beaches
I love a log flume as much as the next tubby boy named Jared whose grandma cuts his hair. With no thigh gap to speak of, Jared’s damp jorts will grind his inner thighs to ground veal quicker than any butcher. As he wades into the wave pool, dippin’ dots in hand, that thigh puss will bloom its way into the immune systems of every nearby innocent child that longs for a home that can’t be carried on a truck. They say most people contract Coronavirus from eating bat sphincters, but the Jareds are dangerous too. You certainly won’t have to worry about him in Amagansett, though.
5. Stop eating bats
Bat sphincter, admittedly, is delicious. Throw a little Old Bay on there, maybe some cardamon? Forget about it. You can dehydrate them and eat them from a ziploc bag like pineapple rings—the perfect companion to a hike through the Amazon. Having said that, bats always seem to be patient zero when it comes to an outbreak. I don’t know what they’re up to but clearly sleeping upside-down is a recipe for the end of the world. A few years back, our family set up some bat houses in Maine because a local shaman told us bats consume upwards of 14,000 mosquitoes a NIGHT. We sourced some bat guano from Silk Road and splashed it on the walls to attract the bats. Next thing you know, our labs were knocking these things over and eating the houses whole. Let me tell you—those dogs died painfully. Couldn’t even get the vet there in time for a humane injection. And the mosquitoes only got worse once the dogs started to rot. Total backfire.
I’m sure a lot of these suggestions are obvious to many of you. But you’d be surprised at how reckless people are when it comes to contagious diseases. Use common sense and hopefully, we’ll be back to snacking on bat butt in no time.