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Reptile lovers often argue that snakes have a bit of a bad reputation – that these foul, belly-crawling beasts, these dead-eyed spawns of Satan himself are actually more afraid of humans than we could ever be of them. It has also been said, in spite of this twisted logic, that the only good snake is a dead one. My stance on this particular scaly skinned animal leans heavily towards the latter. I hate those goddamned things with an almighty passion – almost as much as my time-honored disdain for things like puking, pop music and proctology exams.
I do not care if these unpredictable, slithering tubes of muscle and venom are more afraid of me than I am of them – I want them dead, every last one.
If I’m being completely honest, I feel like those people who keep these vile creatures for pets should be locked up in a cage next to Walmart shoppers and people who donate money to the Fraternal Order of Police. It’s just not natural to do any of this, especially when it involves the voluntary keeping of a wild animal that has the frightening ability to dislocate its jaw and swallow a person whole. Worse are the hillbilly imbeciles who would rather keep a couple of pissed-off rattlesnakes in a plastic container instead of getting a dog.
What I am trying to say is: What in the crispy hell is wrong with you people?
Now, I know some of you nature advocates are thinking, “Man, snakes are really good for the environment and, like, if you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you.”
Look, I get it. Really I do. Live and let live. It’s not like I’m some sort of wild-eyed specist on a thrill-kill mission to chop off the heads of serpents because of some deep-seated hatred that has been passed down for generations. I am not a snake Nazi. I do not go scouring the planet rounding up these fanged extensions of Hell for the supposed greater good of civil society. I am simply a proud Ophidiophobe who hopes to never, never fucking ever come across another one of these grass-grinding menaces as long as he lives.
Why, you ask? Well, that’s easy enough. How about because some of these cold-blooded freaks of the forest have a bite powerful enough to turn a person’s blood into sludge and inflict pain so intense that death would be welcomed with open arms if not for the paralysis. Even bites from snakes that aren’t venomous can lead to infection and tissue damage. In other words, these animals were not put on this planet for our amusement or spiritual gain. Not even if you are a Pentecostal preacher.
But, according to a recent piece from Popular Science, snakebites from venomous serpents are actually quite rare in the United States. The article claims there are as many as 8,000 snakebite cases every year, and only around five of those result in a funeral.
“Your chances of death by snakebite are close to 1 in 1,000. Those are pretty good odds,” said William Hayes, professor of biology in the Department of Earth and Biological Sciences at Loma Linda University.
Nevertheless, herpetologists say it is important to learn a few key rules to keep from ending up on the wrong side of those statistics.
Photo by Donald Tong from Pexels
Don’t Mess With Snakes
We understand that the warm season from spring until fall is optimal climate for hiking, camping, skinny-dipping and other outside activities. But it just so happens that the places where these types of leisurely interests have a tendency to go down are also prime real estate for snakes. It is crucial have respect for these animals, seeing as they can literally cripple your ability to breath and turn your insides into a thick gel of death.
So, if you happen to cross paths with one of these curled up culprits while hanging out in the woods, don’t be a douche bag, wannabe Steve Irwin type of lunatic that tries to capture it and stuff fit in a sack. Keep your distance. Hayes says that snakes can only strike about half the length of their body — so taking “two steps back” is a solid method for preventing a vicious bite. Also, and this tidbit of advice is perhaps the single most important takeaway from this article: Do not provoke a snake in any way.
Hayes says the majority of people who end on a gurney fighting for life as a result of a snakebite are dumb boys and grown Bros with too much “testosterone and alcohol” coursing through their veins.
Nearly half of the reported snakebites happened because someone was messing with a snake. Another 20 percent suffered a bite when they were drunk.
Don’t Mess Around in the Woods Without Proper Clothing
But not everyone who encounters the striking wrath of a snake does so out of sheer stupidity. Snakes have a tendency to blend in well with their surroundings, so they can come out of nowhere with the dreaded death bite. This is the reason wearing long pants, long sleeve shirts and closed toe shoes are advised when hanging around areas that snakes call home. In fact, proper attire could save your life. Even if a serpent’s fangs penetrate the material, the fabric can reduce the amount of venom that is injected into the bloodstream.
This method might provide enough protection to keep you alive while your friends try and get you to a hospital. And a hospital you will need. Hayes says all of the snakebite remedies you’ve seen in the movies are complete and utter bullshit. So, there is no need to suck the venom out of your friend’s butt cheek. In the end, he’ll die a miserable death and you’ll be forever known as the guy who sucked on another man’s ass. Save yourself the humiliation. Seek immediate medical attention.
“There’s only one viable treatment currently, and that is going to a hospital and getting antivenom,” he said.
But a bite is not a one antivenom fits all sort of fix. Hayes recommends that someone try to get a picture of the snake with a cell phone. Without it, the medical staff could have trouble identifying the necessary treatment. And let’s just say that time is of the essence. The longer the venom reeks havoc on your system, the more damage it is going to cause.
Aside from nearly 60 percent of the population having an irrational fear of snakes, Hayes says these animals really have no interest in harming anyone. “They want to avoid confrontation,” he said.
Mike Adams is a freelance writer for High Times, Cannabis Now, and Forbes. You can follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.