My Drug Dealer Convinced Me To Vote In The Election With One Inspiring Facebook Post

by 2 months ago

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I want to give a quick personal shoutout to my Facebook friend, Kyle, who awoke me from my civic slumber with a Facebook status imploring me to Vote!

Before Kyle’s inspiring call to arms, I had planned to treat Election Day as any other idle Tuesday on the calendar.

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Now, bursting with Duty To Country, I not only plan to complete my role in the election cycle, but I’m committed to making it my entire personality for the next 6-8 weeks.

Vote, YES! But who for?

I needed to re-visit Kyle’s page for an education in The Big Issues facing this great and honorable nation.

CRISIS RESPONSE:

Ah, yes, Kyle. I know that parking lot well. If I recall correctly, that is where I where you sold me a very light bad of cocaine the night before Thanksgiving that was cut with laundry detergent. Also, if we agree on 9 pm, be there at 9, or at the very least shoot over a courtesy text. Who’s ass do I have to kiss for an introduction to a punctual drug dealer?

If you weren’t such an admirable Patriot, I would classify this behavior as rude.

WOMEN’S REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS:

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Confirmed: Kyle is Pro-Life, if and only if he does not need to support that life in any way, financially or emotionally.

WEALTH INEQUALITY:

Baby Boomers have been boning us for far too long, enjoying the fruits of an economy that allowed them to buy houses with a bag of chips and a handshake, only to rack up federal debt and place the financial burden squarely the shoulders of America’s youth.

If Kyle wants to pawn his mom’s wedding ring for a couple opioids and a new spoiler on his Civic, he is just giving her a taste of her own medicine.

Let Kyle’s Facebook post serve as a much-needed blueprint on wealth distribution strategy for the next administration.

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Kyle, if you’re reading this, thank you for inspiring a nation with your love of country and poignant playbook to lift all boats in this temperamental time.

See you in the Chili’s parking lot at 9. And not one hour later.

Salute.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.

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