Macauley Culkin Turned 40 Today And My Brain Cannot Accept It


To believe that Macauley Culkin was eternally going to be that same lovable pissant whose family delegated to the attic and refused to go on vacation with is as irrational as a pair of career criminals robbing a house without a firearm.

With the exception of Rob Lowe and Judge Judy, everyone ages. People change, time goes on, waistlines expand.

It seems like just yesterday, the Stranger Things kids were engaging in cutesie dance battle with Jimmy Fallon and today the wimpiest one of them all is accused of being a Grand Wizard in the Klan.

Life comes at you fast, sure, but this fast?


Much like former MTV VJ Kurt Loder turning 75 in May, my brain simply cannot accept the fact that Macauley Culkin is older than guys like Pitbull, who it feels has been doing Super Bowl halftimes shows since the NFL transitioned from leather helmets.

Maybe it’s because for a two week span every December, the only Macauley I ever see is the bright-eyed child, brimming with promise and casually fat-shaming Buzz’s girlfriend. Maybe it’s because I turned my back on him he started taking illegal narcotics.

Or maybe it’s because the recognition of Macauley’s fallibility holds up a mirror to my own and exacerbates the deep-seeded trauma that comes with youthful optimism hardening into adult cynicism. Maybe my best years are behind me and the only time I ever feel alive anymore is when I’m mowing my lawn or I shoot a 108 at a public course.

Whatever it is, I’m not ready to accept it.




Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.