Please Consider Donating To Our GoFundMe After Learning The Disturbing News That Mia Khalifa Made Just $12,000 In Her Adult Acting Career


My statement:

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” 
-Mia Khalifa King Jr. 

Today, Mia Khalifa bravely revealed that she made just $12,000 in her three award-winning months as a professional pornography actress. For perspective, Kevin James made $12 million for his role in ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2,’ and I’d be willing to wager not one person masturbated to that abomination.

While extreme wealth inequity permeates the societal zeitgeist in America, we must not turn our backs on the people who were there for us when we were alone, in the dark, with a Costco-sized vat of Vaseline, belt around our necks, and Clay Aiken’s ‘Invisible’ playing softly in the background.

Personally, Mia was one of the only people there for me when my girlfriend Ashlie dumped me for her personal trainer, Trevor. She said they were just friends. They were not. Instead of paying for my ex’s Equinox membership, I allocated those funds to a PornHub membership, and quickly took a liking to Ms. Khalifa. She was just different than Ashlie. There was no caveat to her generosity. Mia fulfilled my needs with nagging me, snickering at my manhood, or making me go to Paint Nite with her friends. I’ve never thanked her for that.

I know there are millions of boys and girls across this great nations who have stories just like mine, but are afraid to unlock their bedroom doors. To those people I say: the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Please consider making a donation that will go directly and entirely to Mia Khalifa, a once-in-a-generation talent.

Your Johnson

Mia, if you’re reading this, we will do everything in our power to make you hole.

UPDATE: More like NOFunMe.



Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.