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Whilst toilets are closed. If you need to pee, please do so at least 30 metres from lochs or streams. If you need to defecate, do so as far away as possible from buildings, paths, water courses and farm animals. Bury faeces in a shallow hole and replace the turf. pic.twitter.com/K4EfGGuAFf
— Balmoral Castle (@Balmoral_Castle) June 28, 2020
Sad news out of Scotland today as visitors to Balmoral Estate, the summer home of her majesty Queen Elizabeth II, are resorting to Oregon Trail techniques to relieve themselves:
Beware of the pathways on Queen Elizabeth II’s Balmoral estate in Scotland.
With public toilets closed during the coronavirus lockdown, some people have taken to peeing and pooping near busy walkways and monuments.
Staff at the British monarch’s 50,000-acre property in Aberdeenshire were forced to tweet guidance over the weekend on where and how visitors should go to the bathroom outdoors.
If that isn’t the most British tweet of all time. “Whilst” “30 metres” “lochs and streams” and of course, “bury faeces in a shallow hole and replace the turf.” The Brits can make a public notice about pissing and shitting sound academic.
Let’s translate that to American:
While toilets are closed, please dump and piss *googles metric conversion rate* at least 98.43 feet away from lakes and streams. If you gotta dump, go deep in the woods. Bury your turds in a hole and cover with grass.
I definitely prefer their way, though I understand if some people don’t like to be condescended to while they’re scrambling to unzip their trousers. I hate the idea of her royal highness stumbling upon a fudgy clump of leaves though. She’s 94 these days and, vivacious as she is, that might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Fortunately:
The queen has been isolating during the pandemic some 500 miles away at Windsor Castle with Prince Philip.
Phew. Even so, shame on ye roguish defecators! Have some damned decency, I say.