We are ashamed to announce the inaugural column of Safe Space! While the rest of the internet is droning on about politics or trying to swindle you into donating to the GoFundMe for their cat’s punk rock band, there isn’t a lot of leftover bandwidth for half-baked thoughts, astute observations, and societal hypocrisies.
That is why this column needs to exist.
That, and my therapist said it would be helpful to purge unhealthy thoughts on paper. The dude still thinks people write stuff down. What a fossil!
This column knows no agenda or political affiliation and is solely the thoughts of a guy who only reads books with pictures in them and can only correctly locate 38 states on a blank map.
So without further ado, I present to you the very FIRST installment of Safe Space. Enjoy!
Maybe millennials are so soft because we’re all wearing Patagonia jackets.
One of man’s great hypocrisies is that we’ll berate someone for parking in a handicapped spot right before we unleash hell in the handicapped stall.
Sex is great, but have you tried doing it with another human being?
It’s not that I don’t believe in climate change, it’s just that I can’t fucking stand polar bears.
Fun Game: When girls on Tinder ask you your height, respond with: ’Depends, how tall is this tree outside your bedroom window?’ and see if you can climb down before the cops show up.
Cold brew is just iced coffee with AirPods.
Every woman’s a feminist until the check comes.
*****We interrupt this column to bring you a quick word from our sponsors.*****
Yo Travis, give me my lighter back. I lent it to you over a week ago at Dave and Busters. Return my texts. I’m not fucking around.
They say you stop having sex when you’re in a relationship but that’s not true, my girlfriend’s been fucking her Equinox trainer for months.
If you don’t think half the population shouldn’t be able to vote than explain to me why Paul Blart: Mall Cop got a sequel.
Condom brands have tried everything to make their product desirable—‘Extra Ribbed,’ ‘Extra Lubricated,’ ‘Extra Thin’—when will they realize we’re all just holding out for ‘Extra Two Inches’?
How fulfilled in all facets of your life do you have to be to leave a positive Yelp review?
Before you bitch about this new “trophy generation,” remember that there was an entire generation that bragged about their cars climbing Mount Washington.
Worst fears, ranked:
2.) Dying alone
1.) Meeting the girl of my dreams, then finding out she Instagrams Marilyn Monroe quotes and captions them ‘Mood.’
Spell check your priviledge.
GRAPH OF THE WEEK
BAD ADVICE FORTUNE COOKIE OF THE WEEK
‘NEVER FORGET’ OF THE WEEK
We, as a society, let Adam Duritz of the Counting Crows into our hearts and homes looking like an ice cream truck driver fucked a pineapple. If we don’t remember history, we are doomed to make the same mistakes.
That’s a wrap for Safe Space: Volume 1. If I failed you, I will make it up to you in Volume 2, COMING NEXT WEEK!