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Over ten percent of Americans claim to not believe in God. Those 32 million people have a wide array of reasons for not believing–growing up in a faithless family, thirsting for moral independence, struggling with the fantastical magic man in the sky thing. For me, pubes are the reason I’m an atheist.
Yes, you read that right. PUBES.
[The masses begin to file out of my TED Talk at my local middle school gymnasium]
This is my thesis: If there was really a right-minded, all-loving deity, why would he equip us with a useless patch of entangled protein filament that serves no practical or aesthetic purpose over something dope like a barbed tail or metabolism past your 30s? For what? Is this love?
Pubes are a messy mistake. An aberration. A glitch in the matrix. The human species’ Scarlett Letter.
They serve one purpose and one purpose only: A personality indicator.
The manner in which a man approaches his pube sitch can tell you more about him than any resume, LinkedIn profile, or Internet history search ever could.
I will lay out the three most common pube styles below with their associated personality type. I urge you to drop your pants and evaluate your schlong shrub. It may be time for a lifestyle change.
If that’s the case, go pick up a proper pube trimmer at MANSCAPED….
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ABONDONED BUSH
Description: You might as well put a chain fence around your pubes with a ‘No Trespassing” sign on your happy trail because this shit hasn’t been touched since junior prom. Your pube curls have pube curls. Your shrub bed is swallowing your Johnson, taking a good three inches off the length, which is a nightmare from an optics standpoint. You would trim them, but you don’t even know where to start. The project has grown too overwhelming for one man and you don’t have the disposable income to pay three landscapers. Your pubes are at a point of no return. What a fucking shame.
Personality Assessment: You are a man who brushes his teeth with Mountain Dew in the morning and whose clothes are so stained they look like a Jackson Pollack painting. You are a perpetual mouth breather and your apartment looks like a home invasion took place but they left soon after they realized the only things of value were an extensive collection of Beanie Babies and an unopened can of dip. Very rarely do we get a first-hand glimpse at the pube situation because no one without a hazmat suit dares to slide down your elastic waistband on the sweatpants the school nurse gave you when you puked on yourself at recess.
Advice: Chop that shit all the way off and donate it to Locks For Love.
THE FUNCTIONING PUBE-AHOLIC
Description: You treat trimming your hog hair like communication with your grandmother: only on your birthday. Either that, or it takes an impactful moment for you to recognize that a trimming is in desperate need, like zipping your pubes up your zipper or your girlfriend plucking weeds off her tongue giving you that same face she gives when you tell her you’re having a guys night. You have never let your pube situation become a problem, but your unkempt bush is a cause for concern to your loved ones.
Personality Assessment: You’ve been in a committed relationship since George W. was in office and the closest thing to passion you’ve experienced in years is a scrotum exam at your annual check-up. You have a 401K, but withdraw from it consistently to make ridiculous purchases like that time you drunkenly bought a mini pony or when you bought stock in Radio Shack in 2019. You are trying, and your best self is attainable. You just have to weed whack that brillo pad.
Advice: Show her you care for once. Trim more frequently and surprise her with flowers to avoid sleeping on the couch four nights a week.
MR. MANICURE
Description: Your pubes look like the 18th green at Augusta. Pristinely manicured. They are more uniform and in order than a military parade. No stragglers are left behind. Your pubes are present, but do not overtake the conversation. They are quiet and confident. They act as a frame to your frank and beans. Your unit is the star, but your pubes are up for best supporting actor. Everyone is envious of your pubes.
Personality Assessment: You donate to charitable causes under the name ‘Anonymous.’ You go to exotic locations but never feel the need to Instagram about it. Emily Ratajkowski slid into your DMs and you forgot about it. Billy McFarland tried to get you to headline at Fyre Festival but you weren’t aware because you don’t get cell phone reception on the fucking moon. You’re also a volunteer astronaut. It would be my great honor if you’d marry my daughter.
Advice: Absolutely none. If I could shake your pubes’ hands, I would. They are an inspiration.
******
There you have it, folks. Completely reasonable junk science, using sound scientific method. The conclusion we’ve made is that pubes need to be dealt with far more often than than the average man does. All it takes is a good trimmer that doesn’t leave nicks and like 5 minutes in the bathroom. If you’re not capable of that, I’m afraid you’re too far gone, my friend.
Use the code BRO20 for 20% off + FREE shipping on all products at Manscaped.com
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