It’s About Time We Re-Evaluate Our Relationship With Cats

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Archaeologists have found evidence to suggest that the domestication of cats stretches back 12,000 years as a means of killing rodents within homes.

Today, at least for everyone outside of New York City, in-home rodents have been nearly eradicated due to the structural evolution of our homes and the improved success rates of traps and extermination procedures.

Still, we as a collective people tacitly allow these creatures to live rent-free in our highly-insulated homes, shredding up our couches, pompously strutting around with their exposed buttholes, shitting in boxes in our kitchens, all while exuding a strong apathy to our general existence.


What about cats merits our continued loyalty when koalas are facing extinction from the effects of habitat destruction and bush fires?

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Forgive me if I sound hyperbolic, just yesterday I was victimized by the sharp teeth of a foul feline for the unforgivable crime of rubbing it’s stomach. Do you know what I’d do for the positive physical affirmation of another warm body? I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Mind you, this violent act occurred just one month after I climbed up three floors every day for a week to feed the bastard while his parents were visiting family out of state. He thanked me for keeping him alive by taking a chunk out of my right palm. I am currently typing this tirade with only the use of my left, which is a breeze compared to the new challenges masturbation brings.

Let me guess, Becky.

Your cat is “different.” He’s one of the good ones, a playful type that love you for you and helps with chores around the house?

If I had a dollar for every time I heard about how a particular cat’s greatest quality is that it doesn’t possess the qualities of a cat, I’d have enough to shit in a box in the kitchen and have someone clean it up after me.

Those in a toxic relationship are always the last to know. We’re being jobbed by these ungrateful beasts and it’s about time we start to think about the future we want for our children.

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They’ll be fine. They have nine lives. Further proof that the devil exists.


Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.