If you are out there in the world doing it right, and we mean really digging deep into all of the sex, drugs and rock n’ roll that this planet has to offer, chances are you’ve endured your fair share of relationships.
Hell, some of you, the hopeless romantics, may have even been married a time or two.
But as with all good things, these bonds that we make with other people have a tendency to slip away over time.
Either she can’t stand the way he spends his days getting shit-faced drunk and playing video games or he gets tired of her constant nagging about him needing a job.
Eventually, everything that was good about the relationship goes rotten and now two people, who used to spend every waking minute picturing each other naked, all of a sudden want to set each other on fire.
The emotional rollercoaster that comes with a breakup of this magnitude comes with enough pain and suffering to give a man a mean case of PTSD – Post Traumatic Spouse Disorder.
Any guy who has ever suffered this debilitating condition understands that, regardless of how hard he tries to get back out there, it can be challenging to move on to another relationship.
Many dudes give up, opting instead for the single life. But this doesn’t mean they are afraid to bring home a hairy pussy when they get lonely.
Come on, fellas, pull your heads out of the gutter. We’re not talking 1970s bush here. This is about cats!
One in four single guys is now choosing to get a feline friend rather than enter into a relationship.
These “cat-chelors,” or so they are called, said in a recent survey from Itchpet that owning a cat has a way of taking the pressure off living single.
There is just something about having a contrary little beast roaming around the apartment being a raging asshole that seems to remind men that they are better off partnering with something that can’t speak or throw things.
We can relate.
But surprise, surprise, not only are cats taking the place of women, but they are also sliding up the ranks as “man’s best friend,” the study finds.
Presumably this is because single guys have learned that pooches are just as needy as their last girlfriend.
The independence of a cat, the fact that we can leave them for days and not have to get a sitter, is part of what makes them a better companion.
“The news comes as a blow for man’s best friend, with a quarter of single men going as far as to say cats are on their way to usurping dogs from their throne,” Jonny Gould, CEO at Itchpet.com, told the Sun.
“Our feline friends can often come up against a bit of stick for being independent and aloof, so it’s great to shine a compassionate light on how the nation’s cats are taking care of us. Cats can offer great emotional support, so it’s only fair that we take care of them in return.”
The study goes on to find that men who have opted to care for a cat believe it was one of the best decisions they have ever made.
This goes double for those guys whose ex got drunk one night and shit on the couch.
One in four even said that being a cat-owner made them a better man, while one in six indicated that owning a cat actually helps them when it comes to talking to the ladies.
Still, sometimes owning a cat means getting cockblocked by that little bastard. Another one in five men admitted that they have been forced to end a date early because their cat wasn’t digging her vibe.
We are going out on a limb and saying that five out of five probably thought later, after the girl was already in an Uber, that they should have locked the moody puss up in another room while they got down to the business at hand.
Because while a cat may make a better live-in partner than a woman, there are some needs it just can’t fulfill. At least none that are socially acceptable in most parts of the world. And they don’t pay rent either, which is some bullshit.
But men will be men, so taking care of responsibilities, even when it involves cleaning up after our pets, can be annoying.
Nearly a third of the cat owners polled said that cleaning out the litter box and giving flea and worming treatments was not exactly their idea of a good time.
In fact, if it wasn’t that most men (9 out of 10) didn’t think that their cats enhanced their quality of life and were there for them emotionally when times got tough, who knows, they may have opted for a fish instead.
We sure as shit would have!
Why, you ask?
While cats are being hail praised in this study as the perfect pet, make no mistake about it, these furry little fuckers are not to be trusted.
Sure, they might be cute and easier to take care of than a dog, but they have emotional problems.
They seem to hold a grudge against society for stripping them of the god-like status that they once held thousands of years ago.
They are pissed that people are constantly harassing them for photos just so they can make cat memes, and they are sick of having to go to the basement just to take a dump.
Some studies have even shown that most house cats, even while being accepted as part of the family, are really just tiny serial killers that want its humans dead.
That’s right, they want to eat you.
The only thing stopping them is their size.
But for those men who die alone with only a cat in the house, rest assured these creatures will finally get their chance.
Mike Adams is a freelance writer for High Times, Cannabis Now, and Forbes. You can follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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