A Study Of 68,000 People Determined What Women Really Look For In A Man, And It’s Not A Rat Tail And Chain Wallet So I’m Confused


Looks like I have to abort my weekend routine of making laps in the mall foodcourt with my 1991 letterman jacket, a shampooed AND conditioned rat tail, and a dope ass chain wallet from Spencer Gifts tucked into my jean cargo shorts, because the only woman who’s looking me up and down is the lady at Master Wok when I stroll by for my 11th sample of orange chicken. I never leave the mall with any numbers, but you can bet your ass I’ve got more toothpicks than Razor Ramon.

New research from the menstrual cycle tracking app Clue (I kid you not), in collaboration with MyONE Condoms and researchers from the University of Göttingen, have shined a light on what women really want by analyzing the answers of 68,000 people in 180 countries.

Bafflingly, the results found that there is zero correlation between rat tails and pulling tails.

Via Business Insider:

Overall, they found personality comes out on top, with 88.9% of women considering “kindness” a very important trait in a partner. Close behind were “supportiveness” and “intelligence,” which were chosen by 86.5% and 72.3% of women, respectively.

Even though so much of our dating lives seem to depend on looking good for potential suitors, attractiveness traits came secondary to personality. For example, only 22.3% of women thought an “attractive body” was very important.

An attractive face, ambition, assertiveness, and financial security all came secondary to whether or not someone was kind and considerate.

Virginia J. Vitzthum, senior scientist at the Kinsey Institute and Clue’s lead researcher on the project, said kindness is “like gravity” — “essential but little-noticed until it’s gone.”

“Kindness is key to the human capacity for forming the long-term social bonds so essential to our evolution. Without those bonds, and kindness to help us get through the inevitable rough patches, we wouldn’t have survived and flourished.”

The research found that attractive smile and nice eyes were the most important physical features a partner can have.

As far as penises are concerned, don’t fret if you don’t have a baby arm.

Straight women chose an average-sized penis next (not a large one), followed by short hair, large hands, an attractive back, muscular arms, and facial hair.

You know that weight loss diet and strength training you’ve been agonizing over? DITCH IT. Let those fat rolls breathe, brotha!

Only 2.5% of women globally preferred a “very muscular” body type in a long-term partner, with “average” body-types being the most popular, with 44.8% of women choosing it. “Fit and athletic” body-types came in second place with 34.8% of the vote.

So, to recap: In the longterm, women prefer a kind guy with a dad bod and an underwhelming penis.

Me walking into the bar on Friday:

[h/t Business Insider]

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Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.