Bravo
Things to consider:
-Is Carl the world’s most honest man?
-Will Jordan and Jules leave the house, creating a far better television-viewing experience?
-Will Hannah stuff rival Jelena into a can of tennis balls and hide her body in the pool filter?
-Is Barry’s instructor Sarah the cutest jacked person alive?
Let’s get into it! We pick up from Carl’s call for the ousting of Jordan and Jules, to their face. “PEACE OUT” he flashes them, with his hands. Shockingly, Jules starts to cry. Really thought she was going to hold it together. But as Amanda comforts her, she says that the house doesn’t want Jules out, they just want Jordan gone. Hysterical and savage at once. I thought Amanda would offer a wholesale rebuke of Carl’s assertion, but nope—he was half right. Send Jordan packing!
The house breaks into different conference groups to discuss. Well, everyone except Kyle, who holds court in the animal pen. I don’t hate it. Goats seem like a good option at this point. Amanda gets annoyed that Hannah isn’t more sympathetic to the waterworks from Jules, whom she invited into the house. Meanwhile, Carl does not give a fuck. Not one. It may be the Julius Caesar regalia he wears, but Carl has fully embodied the all-powerful, “bring me more grapes” tyrant today.
And, miracle of miracles, Jordan actually leaves. He actually did it. Carl trimmed the fat at 7:34PM on a Saturday. Gone without a word of goodbye. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen adieu! Tata Jords, don’t let your shorts rip on the train home!! What’s that? Oh, the trains barely run on Saturday, and the next one isn’t until 10:34PM, which means you’ll get in to Penn Station at 2AM? Wow, tough Saturday night.
But like a stiff breeze filling the sails of a ship stuck for weeks in the doldrums, the party instantly turns around with Jordan gone. Jules starts to flirt with “Craig,” whose body is fine. Perfectly fine. Nothing to write home about but it’ll do. The entire house heads out on the town for the night, leaving the house in utter shambles from the party. Nearly everyone returns at a reasonable hour, but Crazy Carl
Over in Hannah’s room, Hannah is riding Luke. For real. The bed sounds like an old skier’s knees. Except… Luke stops her, and tells her they need to go to sleep. This shit is so baffling. I mean there’s hard to get and then there’s criminally insane blue-ballsing. I’ve never seen a guy behave like this. He made out with Hannah all day and night and then when the time finally came to knock boots, he wants to keep his boots to himself. Baffling!
Fortunately, Jules doesn’t return home at all, leading us to believe she’s out kicking up a bone storm with noodle body Craig. Good for her! About time. Just needed to get Jordan and his tone deaf penis out of the picture. Well done, Jules. Golf clap.
The kids recap the previous day’s hooplah in their beds. Kyle and Amanda are a couple happy clams, which is nice to see. Hannah tells Paige that she likes how Luke gets jealous when she flirts with other dudes. They discuss the mysterious “other girl” in Luke’s life—Jelena (pronounced with a soft J, like they do in Mexico). And then Hannah says something like “that’s why I didn’t have sex with him.” *Record scratch* Uhm, Hannah, I love you but that’s like Hillary Clinton saying “that’s why I let Donald win.” There was one person who put the ixnay on the ipepay, and he wears felt cowboy hats to breakfast.
Jules finally returns home, beaming and satisfied. Way to go Jules! She admits to receiving Craig, and everyone starts to clean up nuclear fallout from Kyle’s birthday party. As this is happening, Jules asks Hannah “can we talk?” Let’s pause.
The phrase “can we talk?” is the single most commonly spoken phrase in the show. On Summer House, there are more invitations to conversations than there are references to Loverboy, uses of the word “drama,” and appearances of Fireball nips COMBINED. I personally HATE the phrase “can we talk?” because it never results in someone telling you good news. On the other side of that closed door, you find out some shit about yourself that you did NOT want to know.
No exception here. Jules tells Hannah that Paige and Amanda told her that Hannah was on Jordan’s side. Christ what a sentence. Wish I had a whiteboard and could just draw arrows. Hannah, pissed that her two best friends threw her under the bus, then throws a “can we talk?” at Amanda and Paige. It’s like the speed dating of clear-the-air conversations. But no air is cleared, as accusations of she said-she said are thrown around willy nilly. Next thing you know, an ENTIRE house meeting “can we talk?” is proposed. The circle widens!
Downstairs, the summit begins. Carl sticks to his guns and tells Jules she’s disconnected from everyone. For the third time in maybe 16 hours, Jules starts weeping. I didn’t know eyes could regenerate tears that quickly. Isn’t there a limit? Like where is all this moisture coming from? It’s like watching a male dog pee everywhere. You think he’s out but somehow he manages to summon more squirts from his reserve stores.
The meeting ends with everyone agreeing to give Jules a second chance, even Carl. We’ll see. I have faith that Carl will hate her again soon. And with that, the weekend comes to an end and everyone heads back to New York City.
On Wednesday, Lindsay attends some sort of laser hair removal banquet. She admits that she gets free botox and fillers and laser treatments from them, which is cool I guess. I got a mattress once for tweeting about a company. Still use it. Hannah arrives to support, and Lindsay tells her she needs to laser off her kneecap hair. Hannah wants to keep it because it’s “cute,” but Lindsay tells her “my butthole hair is cute, that’s why I get a Brazilian.” Ok, not that anyone asked, but butthole hair is never cute. Guy or girl, if your anus looks like a tarantula eating a kiwi, keep it out of sight. As Hannah brings Lindsay up to speed on the weekend’s events, some droid traces squares on Hannah’s knees. It seems like they’re searching for bugs or implants that might set off alarms. As someone who has never seen lasering before, it was way cooler than I thought and I’d like to book an appointment. But as Hannah finishes the story, Lindsay gasps at how Paige and Amanda threw Hannah under the bus. It feels like new factions are developing. Are we looking at a Hannah-Lindsay vs. Amanda-Paige tag team, hell in a cell match? Yahoooo!!!
As always, the work week flashes by in the blink of an eye. Hard for these producers to make content out of something that isn’t real. Back out to the Hamptons then! This weekend, we’re celebrating Lindsay’s 33rd birthday with what looks like a 1920s-themed party. But first, the gang heads out to dinner where Amanda tells everyone she’s leaving her job to join Loverboy full-time. High fives all around! Then Lindsay puts Luke on the spot and asks why he didn’t fingerbang Hannah. He says “I have my reasons.” She continues: “What reasons?” He claims he’s not over his ex. I don’t think that’s this Jelena girl, but I honestly don’t know. Tough to keep track with Luke, so many pucks in the air.
Next thing you know, Carl calls out to Hannah. He’s goofy as all hell, too, clearly shitfaced again. But I love shitfaced Carl. He just smiles the whole time, even while he’s talking. He’s annoyed that his chair makes him look small, so Lindsay finds a replacement. When she asks him what the problem is, he says “I could chair less.” Fucking. Hysterical. Honestly, Carl is by far my favorite character on this show.
Back home, Paige calls Jules and Lindsay in for a CWT (Can we talk. Let’s just shorthand that shit going forward.) Paige voices her concerns over Luke’s intentions with Hannah. In a rare moment of maturity for the show, Lindsay shrugs it off and coaches Paige to just let Hannah live her life. But just as I was about to commend Lindsay for showing perspective, she decides to walk down and ask Luke himself what the deal is. Damn, we were so close to a normal moment there.
A fight among the ladies escalates in the kitchen, with Paige walking away as Lindsay tries to force her to face the music. Meanwhile, Hannah doesn’t seem to care much as she’s only thinking about Luke’s cool tattoos. Upstairs, Hannah and Luke once again spice things up, with Luke claiming they fingerbanged before bed. I do find it strange that everyone on this show takes inventory of what bases they hit right after they do it. But maybe that’s for the audience’s benefit. Either way, I’m glad to be in the know.
The next morning, recaps abound. The boys get the skinny from Luke, who says he fingerbanged Hannah even though she claims otherwise. I’m going with Luke on this—guy seems like a straight shooter. The rest of the day is spent sitting by the pool, peacefully. What a change of pace.
That night, the crew gets dressed up for the murder mystery party. I’ll be honest, it actually looks pretty fun. Everyone commits. The outfits are tremendous. Carl looks spectacular with a pipe. Lindsay’s new boy toy Stephen arrives for the night, and maybe there’s a bit of tension between Carl and him. Hard to know, but I think we’ll find out soon because Carl starts to rip some booze. Lindsay decides this is a good time to corner Hannah again about the rift between the ladies in the house. And just as she advises her to “grow a pair of balls,” the episode comes to an end.
It’s not the best cliff-hanger ending we’ve seen. Seems like the producers were sort of scraping the bottom of the barrel. I hate to say it, but this episode was a little weak. Oh well, there’s always next week!