ABC
I’m fully aware someone in the comment section will ask me if it hurt when my testicles were clipped off with gardening shears after I say this, but I’m a big Bachelor/Bachelorette guy. Nothing like inviting the girls over, ripping open a bag of wine, sending a few snapchats with the dog ear filter, assembling a few fine cheeses on a charcuterie board, and listening to Trisha complain about her Tinder date from a month ago not following up after she told him she’s looking for ‘the one.’ Fucking Trish, always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
In my defense, I don’t watch the Bachelorette because I believe that stuffing 28 egomaniacs in a house for six weeks is the most effective precursor for a nationally-televised marriage. I watch it because it’s a highly entertaining character study of all the biggest douche canoes in your high school. So can I have my balls back, bro?
The Bachelorette premieres on May 28th at 8 (MY PLACE!), so lets unfairly judge a few of the 28 dudes looking for love fame so they can bone groupies when they get voted off the show.
**PLEASE NOTE** I know nothing about these dudes besides the one photo and brief description given on the ABC website. They could build schools in Uganda and rescue puppies off the streets of the Dominican Republic for all I know. In an alternative universe, any one of these dudes could be the best man at my wedding. But not this universe. In this universe I’m going to unfairly judge them based on one photo because I’m bitter every one of them is better looking and more successful than me. I got the WordPress login and the keyboard bitches!
Chris, 30, Sales Trainer
ABC
ABC profile: “Chris comes from a family of successful entrepreneurs that retired in their 40s, and he’s determined to do the same!”
Chris looks like the most intimidating bully in a Disney movie who the lead actress has a brief fling with even though he treats her like shit. They eventually ends things after Chris gets to third base and flies a chubby dweeb’s underwear up the flagpole. Chris will eventually have a moral epiphany and realize that his bullying ways were sparked by an inferiority complex to his absent but rich dad, who retired at 40 and spends his free time visiting his mistress in Fort Lauderdale.
Connor, 25, Fitness Coach
ABC
ABC profile: After graduating from the University of Tampa, Connor had the opportunity to play professional baseball for the Atlanta Braves before diving into his current profession as a health and wellness coach.
No group of chiseled-jawed men is complete without a Connor. Connor played for the Gulf Coast League Braves and gave up his dreams of making the big leagues when he realized he could never hit the ball over his hair. Connor is a fitness coach, or for people who aren’t assholes, a personal trainer.
Leo, 31, Stuntman
ABC
ABC profile: A Los Angeles native, Leo is a successful stuntman in TV, movies and stage shows. Leo’s been growing his hair for 10 years and prefers the “messy bun” look.
Leo’s most impressive work occurs in posh Hollywood clubs where he gives riveting performances in convincing women he’s a real actor. You may recognize him in that amateur film on PornHub with your girlfriend when she goes to Nashville for a bachelorette party and claims her phone died when she never contacts you before bed. It’s tough to fault her, those heavenly locks are making my groinal region tingle.
Jordan, 26, Male Model
ABC
ABC Profile: When he’s not posing for magazines shoots giving his best “pensive gentleman” look, Jordan enjoys kayaking and running. With a personal best mile time of 4.24 Jordan’s excited to sprint to the finish line with the Bachelorette.
Looks like Ken had enough of Barbie’s shit and is on the prowl for some strange. It will be interesting to see how Jordan competes with other men over what he believes to be his property. Last time he did that, him and his twin brother took Mark Zuckerberg to court and won $65 million.
Mike, 27, Sports Analyst
ABC
ABC Profile: This Notre Dame alumni majored in Accounting and Computer Applications and currently works as football analyst.
If Clay Matthews took up cross country in high school and got really into the band the War on Drugs, he would be my man Mike. And at least a Notre Dame alum is pursuing a real girlfriend this time around. One large step for the Fighting Irish.
*******
Chris, Connor, Leo, Jordan, Mike–if you’re reading this, nothing personal. I wish you all the best in your pursuit of a girl who was engaged like four months ago. I’ll be rooting for you all.