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Finally, some good news! Ha. I can hear your already slight-perturbed internal monologue already: “But Eric, how on Earth can anyone — let alone a ferocious animal — testing positive for COVID-19 be a good thing?” Well, my naive sheeple, that’s because we aren’t on Earth at all. This story of a tiger — yes, a fucking tiger, now — at the Bronx Zoo testing positive for the virus is proof that we are, in fact, living in a simulation. And therein lies the good news: the machines are slipping up.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen The Matrix glitch plenty of times before. But this latest anomaly — perhaps the most talked-about animal on Earth right now (a tiger, thanks to Tiger King) crossing paths with literally the most talked about thing on Earth right now (a virus, thanks to a bat) — is one of the strongest signs yet that we’re living inside of a machine. I half expect the next “human” visitor I see in my life to be Morpheus himself.
BREAKING: A tiger at the Bronx Zoo has tested positive for Covid-19. 6 other tigers and lions at the zoo are also showing symptoms. Believed to have been infected by an asymptomatic zoo worker. All doing well. To my knowledge, this is the first animal to test positive in the U.S.
— Natasha Daly (@natashaldaly) April 5, 2020
Yes. The USDA and Wildlife Conservation Society (which manages the zoo) have confirmed.
— Natasha Daly (@natashaldaly) April 5, 2020
All jokes aside, now, this is absolutely not good news, but perhaps not in the way you think. As far as the latest reports tell us, dogs still cannot contract this specific version of the virus, so that’s a good thing. And unless you’re one of these newly famous big cat loonies, I doubt you’ll be coming into contact with an infected-tiger anytime soon. You see, the issue isn’t so much the tiger catching the virus, but more so how we even figured it in the first place. How the fuck is a tiger getting tested in the heart of the pandemic’s frontline when there are living, breathing human beings that have to go through hell and high water to get that very same treatment? Seems like a waste of resources if you ask me. But the fewer questions I ask, the better: I don’t want Agent Smith knocking on my door, either.
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Eric is a New York City-based writer who still isn’t quite sure how he’s allowed to have this much fun for a living and will tell anyone who listens that Gotham City is canonically in New Jersey. Follow him on Twitter @eric_ital for movie and soccer takes or contact him eric@brobible.com