A Christmas Story (1983)
“Daddy, how does Santa make it to every good boy in girl’s home in just one night?”
“Well, Bobby. Santa starts by ripping three alligator tails of cocaine off Mrs. Claus’s bosom and drives fast, under the influence of narcotics, to deliver you a new bike and mommy a silicone ball gag.”
“Cocaine? Is that like a candy cane?”
“Like a candy cane for adults who want to talk fast about things they typically don’t have an opinion on or
“Can I have one?”
“Don’t be a drug mooch, son. You gotta pay to play, gipper. Now go in daddy’s wallet and hand him the little baggy of sugar, a dollar bill, and an expired credit card. Mommy’s passed out and daddy’s got some wrapping to do.”
This is the story being told to the little boys and girls in Canada by Walmart after a series of aggressive ‘ugly Christmas sweaters’ hit the retail store’s Canadian website.
The product description didn’t do Walmart any favors.
“We all know how snow works. It’s white, powdery and the best snow comes straight from South America. That’s bad news for jolly old St. Nick, who lives far away in the North Pole. That’s why Santa really likes to savor the moment when he gets his hands on some quality, grade A, Colombian snow.”
Nothing says ALPHA like wearing a sweater of Santa getting anally probed by E.T. against his will to your company holiday party. Fortune favors the bold, bro.
Backlash from the sweaters was so abundant, Walmart was forced to release the following statement:
“These sweaters, sold by a third-party seller on Walmart.ca, do not represent Walmart’s values and have no place on our website. We apologize for any unintended offence this may have caused.”
Just a few short months until the much-anticipated sweaters depicting the Easter bunny giving a leprechaun a golden shower hit the shelves. What size are you? The least I could do for a valued reader.