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Sorry not sorry sheeple, but guess the fuck what: I’m wearing jeans right now. Some men just want to watch the world burn, after all. I hate to reign fire your precious little PC bubbles but sometimes you need to get kicked square in the gonads with a truth bomb and I am the steel-toed boot: dressing somewhat regularly for work is an absolute must during the quarantine. Ever heard of the phrase “a rolling stone gathers no moss?” Does “dress to impress” ring any bells? Maybe you’ve been told to “dress for the job you want” somewhere along the way.
My whole theory is that the clothes you wear influence your state of mind. Do you go jogging in slacks? Ever been on a date in sweatpants? Of course not! You’re supposed to dress for the situation you’re in. If I sat around in gym shorts and hoodie all day, I’d be more inclined to just lay my increasingly fat ass in bed, which becomes more and more tempting with each passing sunrise. In fact, studies have shown that sweatpants not only decrease productivity but increase masturbation, as the quick access to your dong provides a temptation that most mortal men cannot resist*. This creates the unique alternate-reality scenario where a man’s laziness actually becomes beneficial, as the process of unstrapping your belt and unbuttoning your jeans is, occasionally, just too much effort.
Now, for the sake of clarity, I should explain that even prior to our current global situation, I was a Work-from-Homer. I’ve been a Work-from-Home truther ever since I graduated college — it’s been something I’ve explicitly sought out when looking for jobs during my career thus far. Pandemic aside, the work-life balance provided by working-for-home is unprecedented, therefore making you more passionate about you’re job. As Rob Schneider’s pervy pastor says in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (such is the desperation of my current mental state that these are the pop-cultural references I’m able to cook up): it’s a circle.
So, when our newfound way of life abruptly ushered its way in a month or so ago, I was more prepared than the average folk as I’d already mastered the art of the work-from-home-routine. And jeans — yes, denim pants — are a key to said sanity. Between you and I, I don’t bat 1000 — there have been plenty of days where I wasted away in bed, clicking around on my laptop. But if you truly want to be productive and feel like a semi-regular member of society, give the jeans a try. And not you’re “going to the bar, trying to get laid, slim-fitting all black jeans.” Just a pair with a little more resistance than sweatpants, that’s all it takes.
*This is absolutely not true. As far as I know, there is no scientific study (other than my own personal experiments) that focuses on the correlation between sweatpants and cranking one out.
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Eric is a New York City-based and New Jersey-born writer who still isn’t quite sure how he’s allowed to have this much fun for a living and will tell anyone who listens that Gotham City is canonically in New Jersey. Follow him on Twitter @eric_ital for movie and soccer takes or contact him eric@brobible.com