This Social Distancing Weight Gain Calculator From Career Expert Website Zippia Is Worth A Laugh



Step right up and try the world’s dumbest fucking weight gain/loss calculator!

Calculator here. You’ll either hate it, or yourself, or both.

I’ve been living that quarantine life for three weeks now (damn, time doesn’t fly) and I’ve lost four pounds. I’m not trying to be a dick with that comment. I’ve just been running instead of going to the gym like usual and I’m turning into a limp, stringy, bitch-boy runner. I’m becoming the person I’ve always hated—the cross-country kid. One of these guys:

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Tiny shorts with the side-seam that splits up to the waist. Upper body like a POW escapee. Fancy heartrate bracelet that logs my distances and splits. Nightly debates about the arch support of Asics vs. New Balance. As Kenny Powers would put it, an exerciser.

Imagine my surprise, therefore, when I tried this fun little calculator. These were my answers:

-Expecting a 60-day quarantine

-Yes I still exercise

-Yes I snack while I work

-Snack of choice is nuts. I also eat smoked salmon and yogurt and shit, but they didn’t have that on there because they suck at their jobs.

-Drink of choice is water.

-3 drinks per day, at least. Big water guy.

My calculated weight gain? 7.5 pounds. 

Get the fuck out of here. I’m exercising five days a week, doing almost exclusively cardio with a few pushups and shit thrown in, snacking on unsalted almonds washed down with three bottles of tap water, and you expect me to gain 7.5 pounds in 60 days?

Conclusion: Zippia knows nothing. Not only are they bad at weight predictions, they are not career experts. Career amateurs at best. Case closed.