Here’s Your Official 2015 Oscars Drinking Game

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Guys who are going to watch the 87th Academy Awards this Sunday night aren’t interested in trivial storylines, like who’s going to win versus who deserves to win or who’s the best dressed person on the red carpet and who looks like they just got into a fight with a peacock covered in glitter.

Rather, most dudes’ interest in this annual, Hollywood-driven spectacle range from “I’m being forced to watch this by my girlfriend” to “I just want to see what Clint Eastwood do Clint Eastwood things.”

And then there are the degenerates, like myself, who can’t help themselves from placing a wager or too on a long-shot surprise like Bradley Cooper to win Best Actor or Paul Thomas Anderson to win Best Adapted Screenplay. Will they actually triumph? No, but it’s fun to have some stakes in the game.

In all seriousness though, like every star-studded event, the Oscars is just another excuse for us to congregate together, make stupid jokes for three-and-a-half hours and remember all the fun we had at the movies over the last year — even if we haven’t seen half of the movies up for the top prizes.

For those of you who will be watching — either on your own free will or not, here’s a drinking game to play to make the night go by a lot faster, and to make every award presentation a lot more fun.

Here’s your official 2015 Oscars Drinking Game:

Take one drink every time:

  • Jack Nicholson is shown
  • A presenter is wearing a dress with maximum cleavage (like J-Lo’s at the Golden Globes last month)
  • Someone references how close this year’s Best Picture race is between Birdman and Boyhood
  • A song is performed live
  • An English person says something pompous/smug (this could get interesting with a lot of Brits up for nominations)
  • Neil Patrick Harris makes a joke that is met with faint or no laughter
  • A clip from a Best Picture nominee is presented (there will be eight, just a heads up)
  • Jennifer Lawrence is shown not in her seat
  • A movie, documentary, or short film is mentioned that you’ve never heard of before
  • The Grand Budapest Hotel wins an award for a “technical category” (Production Design, Costume Design, Editing, Cinematography)

Take two drinks every time:

  • George Clooney is shown laughing or smiling (this could really end up fucking you up)
  • Someone you’re watching with makes an inappropriate comment about race, gender or some social issue
  • A speech requires the show’s director to break out the “get off the stage” music
  • Michael Keaton Batman reference
  • Someone you’re watching with says, “Wow that was an upset!”
  • A clip from a superhero movie is shown (Guardians of the Galaxy counts)
  • A nominee is not present at the Dolby Theatre
  • Whiplash wins an award

Take three drinks every time:

  • Your opinion about an actor/director is reversed by a speech they give
  • Matthew McConaughey is shown clapping or whistling (guaranteed to happen if Richard Linklater wins for Boyhood)
  • A celebrity trips and falls
  • There’s an award being given for a category you don’t give two shits about (Makeup, Documentary Short, Animated Short, Live Action Short Film)
  • The issue of racism is brought up by a presenter/winner even though last year’s Best Picture winner was this film
  • American Sniper wins an award

Take a shot every time:

  • Someone swears during an award presentation or an acceptance speech
  • You think about crying during the “In Memoriam” part of the show (Robin Williams is the big name to prepare for during this montage)
  • There’s an attempt to recreate this selfie from last year’s show
  • You think to yourself, “what the fuck am I still doing watching this?”

Finish your drink if:

  • A winner storms the stage and French kisses the person who’s presenting, like this guy did in 2002
  • A celebrity (cough, cough Kayne West) interrupts a winner’s speech creating a lightning rod discussion on every news outlet in America Monday morning
  • JK Simmons, Patricia Arquette and Julianne Moore aren’t all clutching Oscar gold by the end of the night.