5 Christmas Movies On Netflix You Can Watch Without Going Insane
I’ve come to realize that nobody’s mood noticeably improves during the holidays. The world is still super shitty, now more than any other time in recent memory. Police brutality, cold weather, Roger Goodell, poverty, Ebola, cold weather. Society’s on the fringe of total collapse, and there’s absolutely nothing you or I can do about it.
Shhh, don’t worry. Just type one N into that snow-themed browser of yours, hit Enter, and whisk yourself away to the cozy land of Netflix. You’re safe there. Go ahead. Take the phone off the hook, get under your warm comforter, browse the boundless library of streaming movies, and perpetuate the inevitable obsolescence of all physical forms of entertainment media. You deserve it.
Netflix is great, but she sure is a fickle bitch. You’ll be watching American Psycho one day, and then it’s gone forever the next. No more chainsawed hookers. No more glimpses into the inner machinations of Pat Bateman’s (and probably Christian Bale’s) twisted mind. My friends and I used to come back and watch that movie religiously after getting blasted, so we were quite upset to see it go on November 1.
Be sure to catch these non-animated, non-stop-motion, non-classic Christmas movies before the ominous Netflix God starts taking whatever he pleases again. Or before the holidays end, when it becomes fucking weird to watch Christmas movies.
Bad Santa (2003)
This is my all-time favorite Christmas movie simply because it shits on the entire concept of Christmas. Billy Bob Thornton is too good at playing miserable alcoholics, and his pathetically cynical attitude perfectly contrasts with everyone around him who’s trying to enjoy the holidays. He hates everything that people like, a quality that hits home with me. Not to mention I laugh my ass off whenever Thurman Merman opens his mouth. That’s the best child character I’ve ever seen. What is it with him and fixing fucking sandwiches?
Trailer Park Boys Live at the North Pole (2014)
Apparently they do celebrate Christmas in Canada. Ricky, Julian, and Bubbles head to the North Pole, also known as Minneapolis, to do a live show. Canadian accents are heard. Hilarity ensues. If you’re a fan of the show, you’ll obviously like it. If you’re not, you won’t. I personally enjoy watching white trash Canadians act stupid and go to jail and stuff. It’s almost as funny as watching white trash Americans act stupid and go to jail and stuff.
There’s a strange quality about Bill Murray that I’ve never been able to put my finger on. He’s such a unique actor because everyone inherently loves him, and most people have absolutely no idea why. He’s just so damn good at being likable. If he plays a good guy, we like him. If he plays a yuppie version of Ebenezer Scrooge who commits the most despicable acts possible, we like him. We even liked him when he did Garfield and that movie was a dumpster fire. Scrooged, on the other hand, is an absolute riot. Tis the season for Bill Fucking Murray.
Happy Christmas (2014)
This is from the same dude who made Drinking Buddies. A lot of people hated Drinking Buddies, and a lot of people liked Drinking Buddies. It wasn’t really a comedy, a drama, or a romantic hybrid of the two. It’s about people just, you know, being people, man. Happy Christmas essentially depicts the same concept: the seemingly mundane interactions we have with each other are what matters in the big picture. I enjoy that minimalist shit, especially when it involves Anna Kendrick running around. I like watching Anna Kendrick run around.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
WHAT??? YOU’VE NEVER SEEN OR HEARD OF SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS?!? That’s probably for the best because this movie is bad. Really bad. But it’s about Martians trying to abduct Santa and bring him to Mars, so you can’t not watch it. If it’s any consolation, the movie’s only 80 minutes long. Grown Ups 2 is 100 minutes long. You decide your fate.