Awards season is the funniest time of the year. From October to December, we get to pay over $10 to watch two-and-a-half-hour dumpster fires that are considered masterpieces since they came out between October and December. We can safely bet that 80 percent of these movies are obscure indies that make $1,000 back and are raved about by parent’s basement-type dudes whose only responsibility is to get up from their computers and go shit when they have to.
THEN, of course, there’s the remaining 20 percent that are genuine entertainment. They’re the movies that remind you of their power to make you suspend reality and go on a journey. They’re the ones that make you forget about Adam Sandler. They’re just experiences, man.
Now that award season is swiftly closing, I figured I’d make an arbitrary list of which ones I believe will make the cut in January.
I know that there have been 10 nominees for the past four years now, so I’m declaring these five as the ones that are set in fucking stone to be included.
I saw these movies, I liked these movies, and they’re all shrouded in absurd critical acclaim. That’s why they’re here. Let’s get rolling…
Spoiler Warning: There are spoilers.
In the annals of history, people are gonna be talking about four things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl, and Boyhood. This movie should win Best Picture, but probably won’t since the Academy is one giant nepotistic asshole race. We’ll never see a movie this unique, technically ambitious, and expertly executed ever again. And the best part? It was released in the summer. WHAT AN AWESOME MIDDLE FINGER TO TRADITIONAL ACADEMY PRACTICES! Richard Linklater is a genius filmmaking rebel. We knew that when he created arguably the greatest McConaughey character ever.
David Fincher is one of the best directors in the biz right now. Seven was smart, gruesome fun. Fight Club inspired a generation of dorm room posters. The Social Network is one of my favorite movies of the past 10 years. Now, we have Gone Girl, starring a quick shot of Ben Affleck’s dick and the really bitchy Bond girl from Die Another Day. All I’ve heard from everyone is how the book is better than the movie. Well, I don’t know how to read, so I saw the movie instead and it was some twisty, gory shit. It was kind of a weirdly cast movie, but it all worked out. Tyler Perry and Neil Patrick Harris should look into doing a Madea project together.
Here’s another movie whose technical spectacle has made it a top-notch contender for the cherished award. Birdman is what I’m talking about when I say a movie is an experience: it sucks you into its world, a world filled with idiosyncratic characters and absurd situations that don’t feel real anywhere else but inside its world. It’s an entire cast of A-list actors performing better than I’ve ever seen. Even Zach Galifianakis absolutely killed it. Oh yeah, did I mention this movie is meant to look like one continuous shot? You know, like that one True Detective scene, but for two fucking hours! Again, never seen anything like it.
It’s not about a superhero, but it has Christopher Nolan’s name on it, so I’d be surprised if it didn’t get an Oscar nomination. Not to mention that excessive hype seems to be all you need to get noms these days. Remember Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close? Don’t get me wrong; I thought Interstellar was an incredible feat that could’ve easily been a mindless CGI odyssey, BUT its shit is weak compared to the other guys on this list. Like I said, the guys who choose nominees and winners are big assholes who love politics, so it’ll make it. When it gets its unwarranted spot among nine other flicks, all you pretentious Nolan fanboys will have your cake. Whether you’ll eat it or not remains to be seen.
Please for the love of GOD get a nomination! We need to start talking about Jake Gyllenhaal more often. The guy can act pretty damn well. Nightcrawler brings us back to his early performance in Donnie Darko, another psychotically creepy character that makes us question whether he’s misunderstood or flat-out insane. I also don’t think I’ve ever seen another movie tackle the subject of underground scumbag journalism in which people go film other people dying. Gyllenhaal steals the show and makes it a tense and ethically questionable ride. Give Bubble Boy a Best Actor nom at least.