I recently had an idea for a new MTV show. The show was going to be a mixture of Jackass, the Jersey Shore, Swamp People and Teen Mom.
Now you’re probably
thinking,
“LOL, what a funny person this guy is, to think of a concept for a show that so
obviously could never exist”
But guess what! It does exist! And it’s called Buckwild
Buckwild merges fresh
out of high school complete rednecks that have no future and listen to country with fresh out of high school moderate rednecks that have no future and listen to dance music. There’s a lot of range there.
The star of the show
becomes very clear early on. There’s a scene in which Shain is sitting on an ATV and wearing some country bumpkin getup while rocking an amazing pube
stache. Science has proven that girls instantly fall for those. Then he proclaims
the following…
“I don’t have no phone, no facebook, none of that internet stuff because if I need to talk to my neighbours all I gotta do is come out on the porch and…
“hey guess what, I need a loaf of bread, bring it over here”
“…or I need a cup of milk, bring that over here…”
That’s why it’s called a holler…when you holler in a holler, it echoes and everybody
can hear it.”
I personally had no
idea that there were people in America who would consider this a reasonable form of communication in the year 2013 so I knew I was hooked at that point.
Shain then showcases
his preferred method of communication for us. He yells over to his neighbour who’s standing on the front porch of his trailer across the street.
“Hey, how you doin?”
Them his neighbour replies…
“Fine”
And that was the end of that. So no, we don’t need no phones, no a-a facebook, no internet stuff. Shains proven that we can just yell at each other whenever we feel like it. Can you imagine what that would be like in the city if you just yelled at people for things?
From your window down to the convenience store
“Hey! I need a
cup of milk, bring that over here”
I’m pretty sure the response… assuming they bothered to even respond would be something along the lines of
“Hey! Go fuck
yourself!”
I mean yes of course we could still do that. There’s nothing preventing us from doing that except education and well, basically evolution.
See even though Shain remains convinced that yelling is best. We’ve realized that it’s more rational to google a pizza place and place an order online or call in than it is to go
and stand in front of the door yelling…
“HEY! HEY! MAKE
ME A MEDIUM PEPPERONI WITH BACON
AND GREEN PEPPERS AND BRING THAT OVER. ALSO BRING
ME A SPRITE. BRING THAT ON UP HERE.”
We get to meet Shains friend. His friend calls Shain a “trashman” because he works as (and loves being) a garbage man. The only thing we learn about his friend is that he’s employed at the spark plug plant. Then, with a straight face, he says into the camera,
“We’re two of the
coolest guys you’ll ever meet”
Which usually means the complete opposite of that. They show these two characters standing beside a tractor tire at the top of a hill and laughing. You probably know where this is going. Then the trashman proclaims proudly,
“I just got done
eatin 14 hot wings”
Trashman weasels his body
into the centre of the tractor tire and “ol’ spark plug” pushes him down the hill. Trashman is wearing a helmet though because as we all know…helmets
prevent broken vertebrae.
“