What I Would Give To Never Have A Boss Again

Horrible Bosses

What would I give to never have a boss again? Oh, man. The better question is what wouldn’t I give? A lot of things are on the table if it means I never have to answer an email from a superior, never be frantic when running late to the office, and never again have to be productive, only so the person above me can use my productivity as proof of their productivity.

Parasites, that’s what all bosses are. Leeching off the work I do to line their pockets.

To never have a boss again? I would definitely lose both pinky fingers. Any toe. I could forgo having any toe to never speak to a boss again. Heck, I would willingly give all ten of my toes if it meant someone would never be “upset” with my “performance.” Ol’ club feet me would be perfectly fine stomping around. Sure, I could never wear sandals again, but whatever. What’s a little sweaty summer feet inside some sneakers? I would look at all the dudes in flip flops and think, “yea, they have toes, but do they have a boss?”

And I know the answer would be yes, and I would cackle on the inside, then drink a beer because I’m my boss and it is beer drinking time. It’s never answering email time.

Pretty much any body part is on the table, to be honest. Internal organs, too. Kidneys, whatever. I don’t even know what those do. I could get rid of them.

I would absolutely give less tangible things. Money, my dignity, a hard to get restaurant reservation that I’d scored months in advance and was eagerly anticipating. If someone swooped in, magic-genie style and said “I can get rid of all your bosses, forever, for good, but you have to let me take your table at the French Laundry,” I would say yes. That’s a freaking suckers deal. I got all the time in the world to secure the restaurant reservation again, now that I don’t have a boss and can, at work all day, call and call the restaurant instead of doing things.

Whatever clothes I own, my TV, it would all be game.

But that’s really not the true answer. The true answer is not what I would give to never have a boss again. It’s what I would do to never have a boss again.

I would work. I would work my butt off and apply myself and try hard and put forth all the effort in the world.

Which is a gargantuan feat for me, because I’m one of the laziest MFers on the planet. It takes me a good 75 minutes just to get out of bed. Going to work itself each day is a task not unlike the seven labors of Hercules. And then doing things when I get there? Eff that, I’d rather screw around, dick off, Gchat my friends and check social media than do anything that amounts to actual work.

But, if someone told me that actually working at my job would lead me down a path to be my own boss, I would do it. I would exert effort and try at my job and work, work, work until ONE DAY, I didn’t have a boss.

I guess that’s the same as making CEO or something. Dang, that seems like a lot of work. Never mind. Maybe back to cutting toes or something.

Also, I would probably kill my boss, just so long as it was guaranteed no new boss stepped in.

But that would probably land me in prison. Are guards considered bosses? I might enjoy that. There’s no email in prison, right? That sounds nice. Real nice.