6 Holiday Gifts You Don’t Want But Will Get Anyway

1. A Lap Desk

I’ve gotten five of these. FIVE. How many times did I ask for one? ZERO. If you can’t find something else to waste $20 on as a throwaway gift then please take a minute to kill yourself now. I’ll cut you some slack though. You can finish reading this and then invite your toaster to have a bubble bath with you. Out of all the stupid crap you could buy, you picked this? Trust me, I blew $50 on a Nicholas Cage lax pinnie because it looked cool and never wore it. I’m basically the Leonardo Da Vinci of buying stupid shit. But a lap desk? Really? Am I the only one that’s noticed that your lap is naturally a desk in the first place? Or that you can just put a giant book on your lap and save yourself money? The only place I can see a lap desk being useful is if you’re lounging in an inner tube in the middle of an ocean, in which case you have bigger problems than figuring out how to balance shit on your lap so you can read a book. Is that what you do with lap desks? See, I have no idea despite having FIVE of them.

2. A DVD of Anything

Do people still buy hard copies of movies? Is that still a thing? I started pirating shit to put on my Video iPod when I was a freshman in high school, so I frankly have no fuckin’ idea. The only reason to give someone a DVD movie is if they’re:

Over 60 years old and don’t understand On Demand or Netflix

Asked for it specifically

Mentally handicapped

If the person you’re trying to pawn a DVD on doesn’t fall into any of those categories, you’re being a Grade A Jumbo Size Dick. Why don’t you just show them how to get it for free? Or how to use On Demand? Or for fuck’s sake just buy them a trial of Netflix, that’s like 1 million DVD’s for the same price you were about to buy Robocop for. The only reason to have a hard copy DVD is to take up space in a TV cabinet so you can look “cultured” to your friends because you have all 6 Star Wars movies and the collector’s edition of The Godfather. Even then, you’re never going to touch them. Ever. Because even if you did ask for a DVD of The Dark Knight you’re going to wind up with Blu-Ray copies of Chicken Little and Stealth. Yeah, those are two movies I’m gonna wanna watch again and again. What classics.

3. Gift Cards

Visa Gift Cards are great since you can use them pretty much anywhere to buy anything. Applebees gift cards suck. Wal-Mart gift cards suck. Macy’s gift cards suck. Why? YOU CAN’T USE THEM ANYWHERE ELSE. Why in all of fuckdom would you give a present to someone but then tack on a rule that says “Enjoy your new bath soaps! By the way, you can only use them when taking a shower at the YMCA. Sorry bout that.” It doesn’t make sense. Why not just write a check? Or give cash instead? The only reason people pass out gift cards like meth in a crack den is because they feel like since they specified it to a specific store, it’s a more thoughtful gift. So Little Jimmy really likes to buy Lego’s, and his grandmother gets him a gift card to the Lego store. Except Little Jimmy also likes Mega Blocks. And K’nex. And he even has a secret fetish for looking up Barbie’s skirt when his sister isn’t around and wants his own doll to “play” around with when no one’s looking. Can you buy any of this shit at the Lego store? NO. Grandma was better off just taking a poop under the Christmas tree and throwing a flashy red bow down on it. Thanks for ruining Christmas you wrinkled bitch.

4. Anything Homemade

Are you gonna look like Leader Asshole Supreme, leader of the glorious country Assholia if you reject a handmade gift? Obviously. Let’s be honest with ourselves here though, remember that spaghetti necklace you made your Mom back in kindergarten? Spoiler alert: she wishes you’d went to Jared. The only time a homemade gift is appropriate is if it’s food; everything else should be left up to children in China to make. Come to think of it, it’s really a dick move on their part to make you something and not buy it. Think of the children. Those poor kids spent hours and hours sewing together that flashy pair of Nike Shocks so you could wear them to look cool and not actually play sports in them, and then your aunt gives you a crochet oven mitt? We both know you’re not actually gonna use the oven mitt, and I’m pretty sure that at least .00001% of the profits made from buying Nike’s go to the kids that actually made them. Feel free to check my completely made up math, but that’s enough money to buy 1 grain of rice per pair of shoe sold. Don’t be a bigot like your aunt. Christmas is the most commercial time of the year, just go out and buy cheap plastic shit like everyone else.  

5. If It Means Learning, No.

This especially applies if you’re eight years old and are looking forward to tearing off the wrapping paper on a new PS4, except your parents bought you a harmonica and a book for it so you can teach yourself. To be fair though, when you get older you kinda want that stuff. Not the harmonica obviously, but I wouldn’t say “No” to a copy of Rosetta Stone, as long as it wasn’t some useless language like Pig Latin. But at the same time you most likely aren’t gonna do jack shit with it. It’s going to sit on your bookshelf and collect dust because the idea of learning a new language in your free time is great, but actually taking the time to do it? Nah trick, pass me another tallboy instead and put on Sports Center. Besides, assuming you’re in college, you’ll be on break for another month after Christmas. Unless you’re taking a winter class, why would you be tryna learn more stuff that you’re never going to use in the real world when you could be doing absolutely nothing productive and just drooling around on the couch? Check to make sure your priorities are in line and then come see me.


6. Anything That’ll “Help” You…But By “Help” They Mean Do Work For Them

A couple years ago my Dad bought my Mom this really, really nice vacuum, and when she opened it he said “Now you won’t miss any dirt when you’re cleaning the house!” A few years later, my Dad bought my Mom a quesadilla maker and said “Now you can make dinner faster!” Moving on from the fact that my Dad is an unintentional fratstar, Mom wasn’t exactly thrilled with the whole “here’s a gift, now go make me dinner” idea. The same thing applies to everyone though. Did you ever get a new ski jacket despite never, ever wanting to go skiing so your parents could drag you along with them? Has one of your friends ever bought you concert tickets to a band you’ve never heard of just so you’re obligated to go with them? It’s the same thing. A bunch of girls back in 8th grade collectively chipped in to buy the smelly kid deodorants and shower soaps because changing in the locker room with her was like drinking a liquefied fart and then snorting some of it right after. Sometimes it’s done with the best intentions, but no matter what whoever did it is gonna look like a douche.