Look, I’ll start by saying this: Jennifer Lawrence seems chill AF. But I don’t know… I’m starting to get a weird vibe. Like, a crazy, cat-lady vibe. I don’t want to have a crazy cat-lady vibe about Jennifer Lawrence because, like I said, she seems chill AF.
It feels weird to say this, but I’m starting to really feel bad for an A-list movie star who makes millions and millions of dollars a year. Even though she has it all — kick-ass career, lots of money, opportunity at literally every doorstep — she sure talks a lot to the press about how lonely and single she is. Just the other week she allegedly complained about how no one asks her out on a Saturday night.
At the premiere of A Beautiful Planet on Thursday night, she dished to A.J. Calloway just how sad and single she is.
“Really?” she laughed. “What dating life?”
“None?”
“No.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“No, I’m not, it’s really sad,” she lamented. “I haven’t felt the touch of a man in … “
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Come on now, J.Law! You gotta grab life by the horns and start to own it. Chill with the sob story about how lousy your dating life is and put yourself out there. No excuses to not have a social life than pull the sad card that it’s “hard” because of your movie career. It’s getting pathetic. Just look at this quote from last week:
“She’s not exactly a social butterfly. She’s in a slump and feels hopeless, and that puts out a bad vibe. It’s just a vicious cycle of being single.”
Slumps suck, but the only way to get out of them is putting yourself out there.
Hell, went to Bonobo at Output last night in Brooklyn at 1 AM just because I wanted to see it. Danced my goddamn face off, then came home and devoured a personal pan pizza in my underwear. It was a Top 5 night of the month for me. Met some cool ass people, too. I’d gladly take a couple bong rips and go see your NASA A Beautiful Planet space movie in 3-D IMAX with you. It’d be trippy as fuck since, you know, you narrate the movie and all. Plus people say my Zach Galifianakis is aces these days.
In the wise words of J. Camm, “If she can’t find a guy there is probably a very good reason for that and the reason is probably because she sucks.” You don’t want people to think you suck, do you Jenn? Because people are going to start thinking you suck. There’s a gazillion dudes in the universe who would take you out to Chick-Fil-A for a spicy chicken sandwich and tell you about the time they ate mushrooms at a Black Keys concert.
End the great J.Law drought of 2016. It’s in humanity’s best interest.