Screw It, Let’s Live Blog This ‘Saved By The Bell’ Thing

So, I have whiskey and Lifetime and a laptop computer. I think that uniquely qualifies me to live blog an unauthorized docudrama about the behind-the-scene DRAMZ of Saved by the Bell.

How will this thing work? You will hit refresh and more things will appear at the bottom of the screen. Things I have typed. That’s how this will work.

8:51: One glass of Wild Turkey Rye poured. I don’t know much about this, to be honest. I just saw people tweeting about it. If you want to know more, read this. I haven’t read that.

8:54: Lifetime is leading into this with 27 Dresses. KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE.

8:59: As Heath Ledger would say in The Dark Knight, “here we go,” and then take a shit ton of pill and die.

9:00: How old were the SBTB kids? These actors look eight. They look younger than Bieber.

9:02: Wait? This is being told from the perspective of Screech? Let me be the first to say, ‘Live blog over.’ Why the fuck do I want to hear what the loser has to say? GIVE ME ZACK.

9:05: WE GOT THE BEAT WE GOT THE BEAT YEA

9:06: I have never seen Fast Times at Ridgemont High and I’m still offended they stole their opening number.

9:06: We got JAP jokes.

9:07: The hashtag for tonight is #UNAUTHORIZED. Yes, all caps required.

9:08: I actually have no idea how old a kid is supposed to be in the seventh grade so maybe these kids are the right age?

9:10: Nerd empowerment.

9:11: Let me be the first to say, setting a show in California is one RADICAL idea. 

9:13: Yea. No one would willingly audition for fucking Jessie.

9:14: Wow. This Mario Lopez is racist. He’s darker than Lisa.

9:16: We don’t have AC in our apartment. It should be noted that right now I am DYING. I should get hazard pay for this.

9:17: Seriously, were there no Anglicized Latinos available for this? He’s darker than original Michael Jackson.

9:22: And we’re alright fighting over Kelly. Was there any other plot to this show?

9:24: Wait, Mario Lopez supposedly knows how to dance and wrestle? Did they steal stories from the show to make this?

9:26: Immigrant Paul Gosselaar.

9:29: Whoa. You think Jessie Spano still hasn’t celebrated President’s Day? She might be able to in 2016.

9:33: There’s no way 12-year-olds in 1989 even knew what magazines were let alone where to find TV reviews.  

9:34: Ho Ho Ho Here’s my subscription to Variety. Arrives every month.

9:35: How many times did this show get fucking cancelled. Why didn’t they just give up? This persistence is stupid.

9:37: That redheaded dude in the back telling Screech that Lisa should go out with him? Definitely gonna grow up to be a flasher.

9:43: OH FUCK YES WE’RE ABOUT TO COMMODITIZE THIS BITCH 

9:44: Why is no one doing cocaine?

9:46: And on cue, they talk drug abuse. I am a savant.

9:47: Dude, is Mario about to bone a chick in the Max? Boss.

9:53: This is just like the scene in Pretty Woman where Richard Gere gives Julia Roberts the necklace before the opera.

9:54: No freaking way they called Peter Engel ‘Peter.’ They called him ‘Mr. Engel.’

9:57: It took an hour, but I figured out who this Zack actor looks like. Bleached blond Colin Farrell.

10:01: Via @MitchRapp_

Hash. Tag. So. Much. Yes.

10:04: Zack and Kelly Prom time! It’s like the Enchantment Under the Sea dance for poor people.

10:05: Okay, real talk. There’s no way Dustin Diamond was this suave. I know he’s not a loser in real life, but this kid. Wayyyy too cool.

10:08: Oddly, I’m so not excited for this caffeine pills scene. Feels like they forced it in to get people to tweet about it. SHARKNADO.

10:10: No. No, no, no. NO ONE HAS EVER PUT VODKA IN A FLASK.

10:10: Whiskey. Whiskey goes in flask.

10:10: Speaking of which…

10:15: Who’s gonna play Leah Remini? Probably Leah Remini. She isn’t doing anything.

10:17: Pfft. No. There were not gossip rags covering these actors in 1991. Or maybe. I don’t know a lot about 1991.

10:20: I’m Ninja Screech from Ninja Beach and I’m here to make you Ninja… a fuck I forget the last word. (Of the Muscle Screech bit.)

10:25: So a dude dies in a car wreck and they’re just like YEA NINE SEASONS!

10:26: I’m super confused. Kelly goes to Paris? Did they steal SBTB plot lines from real life, or steal real life from SBTB plot lines?

10:28: That Asian dude just foreshadowed a Pitbull song.

10:30: Oh, yea. THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT PARIS LOOKS LIKE.

10:31: Three years later, she’s rolling a joint in the Walsh house.

10:32: EMO MILLENNIAL ALERT. She was right, though. Saved by the Bell didn’t last forever.

10:33: I hate when Millennials are right.

10:37: Tori! Tori! Tori! is about the time Leanna Creel bombed Pearl Harbor.

10:39: I’m gonna smoke so much pot after this to try and kill every brain cell I used tonight.

10:40: Motorcycle Paul Gosselaar

10:42: Did Justin Bieber just make out with Kelly?

10:45: Wait, there is no way Dustin Diamond got blackmailed for smoking pot. No way, whatsoever.  

10:46: ‘I just want a piece of what you got, D’ is just ripe for the taking.

10:51: They got the color of the robes wrong at graduation. How is that fucking possible?

10:52: LIKE, SERIOUSLY. LOOK.

10:54: These are blue.

I’m done. That’s it. Thanks for reading.