Before we get to the situation at hand, which is the Rob Lowe DirecTV Power Rankings, I’d like to point out that I just realized, for the first time in the 24 years since the company has been in existence, that DirecTV isn’t spelled DirectTV. All this time…one T. One goddamn T. Son of a bitch.
By now we’ve all seen the commercials: Regular, DirecTV-using Rob Lowe, pitted against a lowly, cable-using version of himself in more lopsided competition than a Harlem Globetrotters -Washington Generals game. Regular Rob Lowe always comes out on top, because DirecTV is for handsome winners with chiseled jawlines, no psychological problems, outgoing bladders and just the right amount of muscle tone. While cable is for ugly deadbeats who should probably just do society a favor and swallow a half dozen bullets.
That’s the underlying message of these commercials, right?
7. Crazy Hairy Rob Lowe
Does the fact that I can’t watch this commercial while I’m eating make me a squeamish pussy? I suppose it does, but it’s also why Crazy Hairy Rob Lowe is the worst of the DirectTV Rob Lowe’s. That said, this Rob Lowe might still get laid by chicks with Hairy Dick fetishes. Perhaps I should have ranked him higher?
Related: The wolf scenes in Teen Wolf had the same effect on me.
6. Less Attractive Rob Lowe
His couch looks like the couch you see in every amateur porno, but even with that to his advantage I have to rank him low because 1) he’s got the least self-respect of all the Rob Lowe’s and 2) I still find it difficult to hold down food while looking at his stringy combover and disgusting face.
5. Meathead Rob Lowe
Anyone else think Meathead Rob Lowe looks like Zac Efron? No way I’m alone in that thought.
You’d probably think of all the Rob Lowe’s that Meathead Rob Lowe would rank high on BroBible’s list for his inability to stop saying Bro, Bro. But nope. Meathead Rob Lowe is the antithesis of Bro. If he had kept the word Bro out of his whore mouth he might be in the top two.
4. Overly Paranoid Rob Lowe
You want to know what happens to a human’s brain when they blog for a living and literally have to read about every crime and tragedy in the world? What happens is they turn into Overly Paranoid Rob Lowe. This is my future. And that’s why I can’t rank him higher. Hits too close to home.
3. Painfully Awkward Rob Lowe
My only reason for putting Painfully Awkward Rob Lowe in the top three is that people with shy bladders were furious that this commercial shamed their crippling condition. Learn how to take a joke, ya shy-dicked crybabies.
2. Scrawny Arms Rob Lowe
His inability to open a jar of mayonnaise is adorable.
1. Super Creepy Rob Lowe
Unmatched thirst. CHECK.
Style icon. CHECK.
Embodies an actual characteristic of Real Rob Lowe. CHECK!!!!