‘Star Wars’ Day 2015: Here Are 3 Really Messed Up Things About The Jedi


In the Star Wars universe, the Jedi represent everything that is right. They are the protectors of the galaxy. They hope to bring balance to the Force, and fight for all that is good. They hope to vanquish evil, the Sith.

Except if we really think about it, the Jedi were kind of fucked up.

We were all bamboozled. It’s in our nature to root for the good guy. Evil is bad! Good guy is good! It’s that simple.

But it isn’t that simple with the Jedi. The Jedi were conniving bastards who used their power to do things they wanted, and were complete hypocrites. Not exactly good guy material here. Definitely not who you want marrying your daughter.

Here are 3 ways the Jedi were insanely fucked up, and we didn’t even notice it.

1. The Jedi practiced mind control to get whatever they wanted.

That whole Jedi mind trick thing? It was fucking awesome, that’s for sure. I think any self-respecting Star Wars fan waves their hand when walking in front of automatic doors and pretends they’re a Jedi. Have we ever stopped to think about how fucked up the mind trick part of it really is though?

Sure, tricking people into doing stupid shit is funny. But Jedi don’t just use it to screw with droids.

Jedi take it to a whole new level. They use their control of the Force to literally force people into doing things beyond their control. That’s not something a peaceful protector of the galaxy would do.

That’s some evil shit. Forcing people to do things by controlling their mind is an act of a scared, and weak individual or organization. The Jedi showed their true colors with that one.

2. The Jedi have a warped view of reality.

I love the Jedi. Yoda is a boss. Mace Windu was my boy. But the Jedi as a whole need to man up. That whole “love and peace” thing is nice. It doesn’t play too well when you’ve got a bunch of Sith vying to destroy you though.

Their preaching of peace also doesn’t really jive with past actions. Like leading revolts against government leaders, banishing the Sith to far reaches of the galaxy, or that whole killing people with their lightsaber thing.

The Sith weren’t all bad either. They didn’t plan to enslave the entire galaxy. They just wanted things as is, and to make things a little better for themselves.

In fact, when you look at the Jedi code compared to the Sith code, the Sith code is infinitely cooler. If you’ve never seen them, click on over and check them out.

The Jedi code makes me want to jump into a pit with a Rancor. It sounds like a hippie rant written by a bunch of Jedi who wear nothing but Toms shoes.

A really smart dude by the name of Robbie Farlow actually wrote a great piece all about how the Sith are actually far better than the Jedi. It’s absolutely worth checking out. It is what ripped the veil from over my eyes about the Sith being bad and Jedi being good.

3. What kind of order doesn’t let their dudes get it in?

This is my biggest complaint with the Jedi. Why the hell can’t Jedi get married? I’m not sure if it’s a law that they can’t get it in at all, but it sure appears that way. Want a guaranteed way to make sure that all the Jedi live unhappy lives? Prevent them from ever getting any play with the hot ladies of the galaxy.

I get that the Jedi are like monks, and other religious figures in our world. They take a page out of that book, because it seems good and moral and exhibits self-control. It’s also probably what drove Anakin to go have a secret wedding, father a child, and eventually become Darth Vader.

Smooth move Jedi Council. You essentially created Darth Vader thanks to your stupid chastity rules.

Maybe if Anakin were able to get it in with Padme the entire Star Wars universe might be totally unrecognizable. He at least wouldn’t have wanted to kill an entire school of little Jedi youngling. That’s something only a horny man who can’t listen to his little guy downstairs would do.

Sure, complaining about stupid chastity rules sounds lame. But the Jedi need to adapt with the times. People all over the galaxy are hoeing around, and the Jedi are still forced to keep it in their pants.

May the 4th be with you, bros.

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