Thanks to the success of movies like “The Avengers,” “The Dark Knight,” and “Iron Man,” Comic Books aren’t just for nerds and kids, anymore. I mean, come on…they beat up criminals, chill in skyscrapers, mansions and badass Space Stations, pull the finest of tail, and kick as much ass as super-humanly possible, all in the name of America. You try telling me that there’s anything lame about that.
With that in mind, there’s certainly some Super Heroes that stand out above the rest. Perhaps it’s the way they fight for Truth, Justice and the American Way. Or maybe it’s how much beer they can consume while still being coherent enough to stop the terrorists and get the girl. Either way, let’s take a look at the 6 Bro-est Superheroes out there. Join me, won’t you?
Full Name: Thor Odinson
First Apperance: Journey Into Mystery #83, 1962
Notable Appearances: Thor (2011 Film), The Avengers (2012)
Powers: Flight, Super Strength, a badass mystical hammer (Mjolnir) that gives him the ability to summon Lightning
Why he’s on this list: Certainly, Thor would be #1 on the most “Metal” Super Heroes list, but Thor is the living embodiment of giving exactly zero fucks. His solution to everything: Throw my massive fucking hammer at it, then beat it till it dies, then find the nearest bar/woman available and drink/sleep with it. He can also throw lightning at you. That’s pretty badass. In his younger days, Thor had a tendency of saving villages from giant rampaging monsters, or what not, then throwing insane, Gatsby-level parties, proceeding to drink the entire town out of liquor and sleeping with every legally-bangable woman in town. Kudos to you, Thunder God, tales of your broiness will echo through the halls of Valhalla.
5.) Green Lantern
Full Name: Captain Hal “Highball” Jordan
First Appearance: Showcase #22 (1959)
Notable Appearances: Green Lantern (Film…Sorry, again.)
Powers: Has a Power Ring that provides flight, superhuman strength, and allows the wearer to create anything he can imagine.
Why he’s on this list: They fucked Green Lantern so bad. So very, very bad. So badly that I have to keep apologizing to anyone who’s seen it. Thankfully, there aren’t many. But why’s Green Lantern still cool? Well, for starters, he’s an Air Force Test Pilot. He’s Star Wars meets Top Gun; Han Solo and Maverick combined. He has a magical ring that can pretty much do whatever he wants it to, and he refuses to wear it when he flies $15 billion warplanes in the desert. Talk about giving zero fucks. When he DOES decide to be a space-faring superhero, he manages to nail hot alien chicks everywhere he goes, in every corner of the galaxy. Maybe, one day, with enough time and alcohol, I can forget that that Ryan Reynolds brought his good looks and horrible acting skills to this badass character.
Real Name: James Howlett/Logan
First Appearance: The Incredible Hulk #180
Notable Appearances: X-Men (2000), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), The Wolverine (2013)
Powers: Mutant healing ability, Claws and Skeleton coated with indestructible metal, extreme hair growth
Why he’s on this list: How the fuck could you NOT include the character that you probably dressed up as for Halloween for half of your childhood, and one time in college because you were too drunk/lazy/poor to make yourself a costume, so you taped butter knives you stole from the dining hall to your hands?
Pretty much, no matter where you put Wolverine, be it on the X-Men, the Avengers, or just hanging out by himself, all he really wants to do is stab his way out of any situation, and go back to smoking a fat stogie and drinking all the Whiskey and Molson he can get his grubby little claws on.
Wolverine would be much higher on this list but, well, he’s Canadian. Sucks to suck.
Real Name: Bruce Wayne
First Appearance: Detective Comics #27 (1939)
Notable Appearances: Batman Begins (2005), The Dark Knight (2008), The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
Why he’s on this list: Well, for starters, he has more money than any of us will ever possess. Ever. And what does he do with it? By day, he spends his money swimming around in hotel fountains with supermodels, driving fast cars, and running a Multi-Billion dollar corporation. But that’s all chicken-shit. By night, he uses his money for one purpose and one purpose only: Kicking evil in the dick. Better yet, Batman doesn’t NEED powers. No, no. Batman coasts by on cool costumes, nifty-ass gadgets, his brain, and the best fighting skills that money can buy.
There’s some points against Batman, however. He doesn’t pull much tail. In fact, one of the most notable times he got laid, he ended up banging his archnemesis’ daughter, who he knocked up. The kid then got trained as an assassin who she sent to kill Batman. Seriously, most of the girls he ends up sleeping with are criminally insane sleeper agents sent to kill him. Old Brucie really knows how to pick ’em.
2.) Captain America
Real Name: Commander Steven “Steve” Rogers
First Appearance: Captain America Comics #1 (1941)
Notable Appearances: Captain America: The First Avenger (2011), The Avengers (2012)
Why he’s on this list: He wraps himself in the American Flag, has an American Flag shield, spends most of his time working out and kicking terrorists to the curb, and once punched Hitler in the face. ‘Nuff said.
1.) Iron Man
Real Name: Anthony “Tony” Stark
First Appearance: Tales of Suspense #39 (1963)
Notable Appearances: Iron Man (2008), The Avengers (2012), Iron Man 3 (2013)
Why he’s on this list: Tony Stark is the single bro-est/frattiest/badass individual ever conceived by man, machine or cosmic deity.
He’s one of the smartest men on earth, turning his father’s weapons manufacturing company into a global technology giant that makes everything from clean energy to computers to cars to multi-billion dollar warsuits. He’s got more money than God, which he uses to fix up old cars, build enough Iron Man suits to take over the world, and, in his downtime, chill in his lavish, swanky Malibu Mansion, built on a goddamn cliff overlooking the ocean. Also, he has a giant tower in the middle of New York City with his name on it, all for one reason: To pick up women.
Yes, when he’s not leading the Avengers, running a multi-billion dollar corporation, and getting kidnapped by terrorists, he’s nailing everything that moves. From supermodels to heiresses, hot reporters to female supervillans, and even his smoking hot secretary Pepper Potts, Tony Stark is an equal-opportunity banger.
Also, he built his first Iron Man suit in a cave, with a box of scraps, while terrorists watched his every move. He then used his suit to rain fiery death on his captors and escape.
Genius, Billionaire, Philanthropist, Avenger, and Frat as Fuck. Tony Stark.