Tonight is the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. It’s also a bitterly cold Tuesday, so if you’re looking for an excuse to drink, you’ve come to the right place!
A few facts before we begin: 1.) This is the 19th time Victoria’s Secret has hosted the program; 2.) It airs from New York City’s Lexington Avenue Armory; 3.) It has transitioned from a ballsy excuse for network television to air softcore pornography into an awesomely established show that is still an excuse for network television to air softcore pornography.
One more note: Once again, Miranda Kerr will not be participating this year, because God is dead.
Alright here we go. Don’t take this too seriously, please.
One drink for each time:
- Alessandra Ambrosio walks down the runway
- Erin Heatherton walks down the runway
- Candice Swanepoel walks down the runway
- Any other Angel you’re fond of walks down the runway
- Taylor Swift dances awkwardly
- Your wish you could see Taylor Swift in a bra and panties.
- Someone singing who’s not Taylor Swift makes you want to gauge your eardrums out
Two drinks for each time:
- A girlfriend or girl friend you’re watching with says, “I’m going to the gym tomorrow”
- Someone wears that stupid $10 million diamond fantasy bra
- Lily Aldrige or Adriana Lima’s kids are mentioned
- Karlie Kloss comes out wearing psychedelic wings
- You think about Karlie Kloss and Taylor Swift, “together.”
- A model has a name you’ve before heard
Three drinks for each time:
- An announcer breaks down how to pronounce Behati Prinsloo’s name
- A guy you’re watching with says, “Psht, you know there’s porn, right?”
- Someone shoots down that guy
- You catch yourself counting abs
- Swift does something overtly sexual with one of the models
- You Google new German model Toni Garrn
Finish your drink each time:
- You feel a slight ping of unworthiness
Do a shotgun and rowdy U-S-A chant:
- When an Angel walks down while wearing the American flag wings
Do a shotgun and crush the can on your head:
- If Justin Bieber is there.
Drink paint thinner
- If Kanye hijacks T. Swift’s performance, claims Kim should be there
Drink everything in the apartment, high-five everyone in the zip code
- If you’ve ever hooked up with a star of the show
Enjoy the performance, everyone!