A Bro Celebrating His 30th Birthday Reacts to Tim McGraw’s ‘My Next 30 Years’

But do bear with me as I work through my crippling fear of mortality by listening to Tim McGraw's “My Next 30 Years” at the very instant it should be most relevant to my life.

You see, McGraw's music has carried me through many tough times. For instance, “Indian Outlaw” alleviated my guilt after stealing a 24-pack of beer from a convenience store my senior year of high school. More seriously, “Live Like You Were Dying” alleviated some of the sorrow felt following a relative's death.

Apparently I just compared the two experiences. 

So, yeah, I'm ready to be moved, Mr. McGraw. Take it away …

I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age

Definitely a good idea. That's exactly what I'm doing!

The ending of an era and the turning of a page

Oh boy. That sounds pretty bad. Although, I'm not too sure exactly what “era” is ending here considering I used a frozen waffle to scoop hummus into my mouth this morning and called it “breakfast.”

Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here

Well, I live in New York City, so there is really no reason to leave. Except for the filth, untenable cost of living, overcrowding and knowledge that there are more palatable places in virtually any direction.

Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Bringing God into it, are we Tim? Sounds like you don't subscribe to the Billy Zane theory that a real man makes his own luck. I happen to have that tattooed on my bicep.

Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun

You're damn right, I am. If I leave now, I can be at the casino by 2 p.m. and passed out by 5. Screw you and your rules, world.

Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done

I can honestly say that I haven't done anything so vile in my lifetime that I need to completely erase it from my memory chemically or otherwise. On one hand, I'm happy about that because I've avoided illegitimate children and devastating credit card debt. On the other, my God, do I feel lame.

Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears

Absolutely not. Not even close. If anything, your adolescent fears remain but are dwarfed by more important REAL WORLD fears as you get older. You don't subtract baggage in your lifetime. You accumulate it.

And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years

This is a tricky line. What he's driving at is learning important and applicable life lessons to avoid repeating his youthful mistakes. While that's a very reasonable expectation, the thought that somehow these next three decades are going to be more enjoyable than the three that preceded seems laughable. It's all downhill from here. Of course, McGraw is a multimillionaire married to Faith Hill and I wait in line at Chase to deposit three-figure checks on the 'reg.

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores

I've got a lot of problems with you people! In seriousness, I don't find this entirely useful. People that deserve to be in your life tend to stay there and those that don't fade out. Call it relationship Darwinism (or a better name).

Cry a little less, laugh a little more

Consider my copy of Jack burned and my Jerky Boys CDs finding their way back into regular rotation.

Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear

That's, like, a superbig goal. Is it on me to solve all of society's problems? 

Figure out just what I’m doing here

Good idea actually. Andy Moore and I both recently read THIS BOOK so we're off to a good start. Allow me to suggest some light mind-altering substances to help expand your vision. You'll feel like Neo in the Matrix by chapter two.

In my next thirty years

Starting to suspect that's the theme of this song.

Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight

Not me. I couldn't gain weight if I tried so it's all cronuts and whey protein powder cookies from here on out.

Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late

This is quite possibly the most progressive line in country music history. Let's not ignore it. McGraw is a truly a man before his time. 

Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers

Yeah, right. If I've learned anything during my time on this planet, it's the therapeutic and life-affirming properties of beer. If given the choice to give up sex, sports or beer, I'd have to think long and hard about what I'd do while I drank.

Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years

Not likely. 

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life

I look forward to having a couple of kids, moving out to the suburbs and buying a nice Adirondack chair as well. Not tomorrow, mind you, but sometime. I'm falling right into your narrative, Tim.

Raise a little family and hang out with my wife

See above.

Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear

OK. This is getting a little sappy. Wish he'd go into more detail about all the salads he's going to try.

Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years

Should have read this sooner. Could have avoided wasting all this time writing. Not even going to bother doing this when I turn 60.

In my next thirty years