The 9 Types of Concert Venues and Why Each One of Them Blows

Concerts are awesome, but to enjoy them we have to wade through a sea of nonsense. And one of the worst things to deal with is the venue. No matter what cool old building it’s held at or which great drink specials another has, the bad things always seem to outweigh the good.

In Some Field Somewhere

If you’re seeing a concert out in some random field, you know you’re going to see a few things: dirt (which delightfully turns into mud if even the slightest hint of rain emerges from the skies), overpriced everything, and some of the ugliest, most naked people you’ve ever set your eyes on. Feast on that!

In a Club

Clubs are great. They deliver an intimate concert experience and you’ll have a good view from just about anywhere…that is, if you’re six feet or taller. And not to be paranoid or anything, but this crowded death machine is the perfect atmosphere to get trampled, then trapped inside and burned to death in a very efficient manner.

At an Arena

The only seats that haven’t sold out and then inflated to ridiculous prices on StubHub started insanely expensive to begin with, still have obstructed views, and are plagued by an echoey sound system that transmits with a second-long delay. It’s gonna be a long night.

In an Amphitheater

This is the perfect place to watch as every seat that’s shielded from the elements and are relatively comfortable and close to the stage get wiped out in one fell Ticketmaster outage until the only thing left is terrible, terrible lawn seating. Hope you brought hippie-repellant and super long-distance binoculars!

At a Bar

If the band is playing anything other than classic rock covers or that one Lit song, people pretty much want them dead. Either way you can bet you’ll see a few things at almost any cover band show: a) everyone singing the chorus super-loud, then mumbling the verse because they don’t know the lyrics, b) a 40-year-old chick dressed in fishnets grinding out her favorite song in a vulgar display of pale stomach rolls and glitter, and c) tons of drunk dudes who played an instrument at some point in their life standing with their arms crossed, nodding their head to the beat with a grim look of jealousy on their face.

In a Theater

Theaters are a strange place to see a show; they’re far better for stand-up or Broadway-type productions, and yet there are tons of concerts that take place in them. There’s just something about rocking out with wild abandon in a beautiful historic building that feels wrong.

In a Stadium

The acoustics are terrible, you’re three goddamn miles away from the goddamn stage and your watered-down draft beer cost you $9. Are you happy now?

At a Convention Center

All general admission with optional seating is a pretty cool idea, except you probably feel as if you’re supposed to be networking and trading business cards with the throngs of metal-heads surrounding you and the laser show should actually be a PowerPoint presentation filled with corporate jargon and industry buzzwords.

On a Boat

Boats are not meant to be concert venues. People get on them purely to get wasted. And they do get wasted, so much that they wouldn’t be able to recognize their parents if they were trying to drunkenly and illegally commandeer one of the vessel’s lifeboats right alongside them. Furthermore, you can’t see shit unless you’re in the front row, it costs extra since you’re also getting a boat ride out of it, and if you get sea sick and want to go home, God help you, you cannot.

What’s your most hated type of concert venue?

Concert crowd image by Shutterstock