Introducing Lovely — A Fitbit For Your Penis So Now You Can Have Concrete Stats About How Mightily You Bang

Do you even bang, Bro?

If you’re not wearing a ring on your cock that is calculating all of your fucking stats then I’d argue maybe you don’t bang. And I’d do it on the same “If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, does it make a sound” basis. However, if you slide this new product, Lovely, on to the base of your prick during intercourse, you can prove that you do, in fact, bang and that you do it outstandingly.

That, of course, is not the company’s intended use of the product; those losers want you and your girl to use it to improve your lovemaking. Mmmm lovemaking.

Will you do that if you get this? No. You’ll try to put it on when you bang randos — as they look at you like you have 25 heads — and then you’ll try to show your Bros your stats the next day. Brag about how you generated 6g’s of force when you were burying one inside of Diana last night.

Or maybe you’re not a complete savage. Maybe you and your Mrs just want to have better lovemaking. Mmmm lovemaking. If that’s the case, fund these fuckers Indiegogo campaign. But only after you check out the features you’ll receive from the Lovely below.


Not sold yet? Well, what if I told you the app also sent you push notifications at random times of the day telling you how you can be better at sex? I think I just sealed the deal, didn’t I?


Nothing better than having your phone sitting on the table during lunch as your coworkers see a notification pop up suggesting that you stop being such a selfish lover and add foreplay to your sex life. “Hi Greg! Next time you and Joanne fuck, would it kill you to stop being such a selfish prick and lick her pussy for a hot minute?”

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