I No Longer Want To Go On A Tinder Date With Hilary Duff After Watching This Video Of Her

by 4 years ago


Man, if there was one thing I was excited about in my life, it was the fact that Hilary Duff was on Tinder.

My life as of late has been pretty bad, guys. It’s been vapid and dry and aimless and filled with a kind of all-encompassing ennui that at worst could be categorized as depression, but even at its best would be seen as a sad and complete emotional detachment from the world.

Then Hilary Duff showed up on Tinder. In my neighborhood. I’m in Prospect Heights in Brooklyn, and Ms. Duff is in Brooklyn Heights. About four miles as the radius of a circle goes, so I set my proximity to six just to be safe and began swiping. With gusto. With zest. With verve. It’s given me purpose and meaning and also given me the very real possibility that I could go on a date with a celebrity. That’s been a huge dream of mine. Honestly, I think it would make for a really fun long blog read. So I didn’t even care when it turned out she was doing it for a reality show. Whatevs, Hul Diff, we’re all about the same game.

Anyway, my dream died today after watching this video of her promoting her new album.

Sure, maybe she was joking around, but I doubt it. I’m sorry to inform you Bros that Hilary Duff is … a dumb blonde. I probably deep down knew this all along, but I was willing to not think about it. Maybe. Hope/belief is better than confronting the awful truth. But I’m not sure I could have 15 minutes of coffee with her without leaning my head back and pouring my espresso into my eyeball just to keep things interesting and myself awake and engaged.

Because look! She’s a ditz!

View this post on Instagram

💅🏼 link in my bio😁

A post shared by Hilary Duff (@hilaryduff) on

Gah. Yeah. That is not someone you would want to date. Maybe it’s a fun Instagram video act, but let’s be serious.

Meanwhile, over on the other side of our office, when I sent this in, Brandon asked me to let all you know that years ago he decided he would never date Hilary Duff.

For a very good cough stupid reason.

i watched hilary duff’s food network show once and they were steaming blue crabs, maryland style. the way they did it was so fucking bougie and elitist that i will forever be repulsed by her. she couldn’t even pick them right and spent most of the time hammering them like a moron.

so… fuck hilary duff and the entire duff family for wasting delicious crab meat

put that in your post and smoke it, david

Crab is not good food and not something to get so worked up about. At least not as much as an Instagram video.

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