Nothing in golf surprises me anymore. Nothing. It’s the sport where anything goes—teenagers winning tournaments, women playing on the men’s tour, fans calling in rules violations. So when I heard 11-year-old Lucy Li qualified for the U.S. Open, I was like, “meh.” And then I realized she was probably in sixth grade. And then I realized her parents were terrible people for not letting her lead a normal life.
Li earned her way into the event by shooting rounds of 74 and 68 on the par-72 Old Course at Half Moon Bay in a sectional qualifier in California on Monday.
For what it’s worth, I shot a 68 once…on 9 holes.
The 11-year-old from Redwood Shores, California, already has a victory at Augusta under her belt, having won her age group in the first annual Drive, Chip and Putt Championship held in April ahead of the Masters.
Listen, if Li wins the U.S. Open, I’m done. I’m just done. Not just as a person who covers sports. I’m just done period. I’m walking off into the sunset, probably gonna live off the earth for awhile. Kinda like Jules did in Pulp Fiction.
Because nothing would be real anymore. In sixth grade, I was making out with girls and masturbating. Sometimes I did them both at the same time. Yeah, I was a player. I was a pimp. I was what they call “experienced.” But I digress.
Actually, I don’t remember what we were talking about anymore. Oh yeah, Lucy what’s her name. GO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE!